HE WAS YELLING, FIRST TIME I SAW THE WAY HE WORE THAT CHINSTRAP, I KNEW WE WERE FRIGGIN SCREWED.
MARCH 20, 2021
Christ, what a goddamn day. Feel like I’m plugging a dam with my thumb. Aw, honey. I could tell you were stressed the way you pulled in. That mailbox had a near death experience. Let me get you a beer.
Thanks Mel. You’re the best, babe. You wouldn’t believe some of this bullshit today, you really wouldn’t. He threw his coat on a chair and rubbed his temples. They put up a billboard for me on nine and twenty, my face thirty feet high. First one I’ve ever had. They shoulda cropped out the gut but hey, I look alright, all things considering. Baby, that’s amazing, I can’t wait to see it. Do you have a photo?
Well, that’s the thing. They might have to take it down. What, why? They screwed up the arrows, so there’s an arrow going up next to price, and an arrow going down next to quality. Goddamn sons of bitches. They really love tormenting me, I swear. Remember last year?
I do, that horrible looking flyer, Mel said. Jeez, I didn’t even think of that. They were calling me pepperoni nips for a month after that. I was thinking of the banner, at the shore. I don’t remember that.
Yeah Mel, last July. They flew a banner for me down at the shore, but the bastards flew it backwards, facing away from the beach. Flew it three times back and forth, each time it was facing towards the ocean. I don’t even know how that’s possible, but it happened. Someone sent me the video, thing just said OTIT. OTIT six times, fucking Christ. I had a shit fit down at the dealership. I said, who the hells gonna buy a car from me, a fuckin dolphin?
Aw, baby. Don’t take it too personal. People are just stupid. You’re still the best salesman down there. That’s why you’re the manager. Everyone knows they should go to Tito.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Things are going good enough. I love the people and the people love me. I just hate imagining myself like that up on that billboard, looking like a goddamn doofus. He ripped the cap off the bottle. Where are the boys?
They’re upstairs. Stevie’s here, too, I think.
I gotta go see them, big Giants news today. Just dropped an hour ago.
Oh boy.
What, Tito said. It’s good news Mel, good news. It’s always good news at first honey, Mel said, but then it turns bad later. I’ve heard it a million times. Like, Mel, Mel, listen, we’ve been dogshit a long time, but this is our year. You heard it here first, babe. They’re really turning it around this year, if you’re paying close enough attention it’s friggin obvious. Then I walk into your man cave, it’s like the mad king’s chamber in there. Dressing smeared on the wall.
Alright, alright, I get it. I love your impression of me, and I know how many times I’ve been wrong. But one of these days I’m gonna be right. We got some pieces Mel. Those last few games were competitive, real competitive football. DJ is really starting to put it together, I think he’s a real starting QB in this league. Mark my words, babe. This Kenny Golladay signing is gonna change everything.
Chet came down the stairs, bounding towards the fridge. Sup Tito. Sup to you, kid. Your brothers here? Stevie left, Timmy’s asleep. Where’d Stevie go?
I dunno, who cares. Kid’s been a dickhead ever since they chose him for FAGCON. Chet, no, Mel said. You should never talk about family that way. Yo, it wasn’t me who started it, kid’s sassy as hell recently. He straps the forehead camera on and starts going nuts. I chimed in one time today, he banished me from the set. He calls it the set even though it’s just his forehead camera. Fuckin kid is getting more retarded by the minute.
I just can’t believe the way you kids talk now. I just can’t believe it. It’s not me, Chet said. It’s the fucking book guy. Fucking dudley ass loser in his thirties, guy is just decimated. Like, oh brother, I looked at my 401k and now my back hurts. I don’t talk like this, it’s mad gay. I’m fucking trapped in the pages kid. TRAPPED.
I have no idea what you’re even talking about, honey. It’s a little scary. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, mom. You heard the way he asked dad to order the tuna sub from Drecks. Shit was so fucking retarded, it didn’t even make sense. The kid acts like bread is fucking plutonium.
You know what, I can’t deal with this right now. Tito, this kid. Oh, I know. This friggin kid thinks he’s hot stuff now, just wait for it Chet. You don’t take your head out of your ass, the world will do it for you. Stevie’s got an edge recently but he’s trying to get ahead, and I respect that.
OK, pops. This guy can’t even make an advertisement without getting ragdolled. You little shit, listening from the stairs? Come here Chet, let’s have a word outside. Tito walked briskly from the kitchen island to the living room. Chet turned around and jumped on the couch, vaulting off the middle seat over its back and up the stairs. Pussy, Tito said.
God, baby, where did we go wrong? I know. Keeps me up at night sometimes. These kids are going nowhere, fast. They’re not stupid, they’re not ugly, they just don’t have what it takes. This might be bad to say, Stevie’s not even my kid, but he’s my only hope. I’m glad you said that, I’ve been feeling the same damn way. He’s working through some things but he’s the only one who knows up from down. Timmy, he comes and goes, Chet is a lunatic, but Stevie, boy, that kid sees it for what it really is.
*
Stevie, come down for dinner honey. Stevie put the blood soaked dermaroller under his pillow and headed down, coating the railing with sweat. It wasn’t the reason the Playstation controller had broken, but he had to admit Chet was right. It was a sickening amount.
The smoke hit him at the bottom of the stairs. Hope you like them well done. Sure, grandma. Where’s grandpa? Down at the Legion, he’ll be back soon. Oh yeah, it’s Thursday. Let’s get the smoke out of here, he won’t be happy with that. Oh, when is he ever happy? I’ll save the best steak for him, if that’s OK with you honey.
They plated Phil’s steak and then fanned the air out of the window above the sink. Mary’s trinkets were on the shelf there, a rabbit cooking a pie, a squirrel balancing a nut on its stomach, the papermache bird his sister had made in high school. They brought him back to a world that still existed, even at its late stage.
When the room was clear, he gave Mary a hug. Thank you for cooking, grandma. I think that’s the first time someone’s ever said that to me, but it’s sure nice to hear. Thank you Stevie. Phil came in a minute later, tripping over the shoe rack and almost falling. Whoa SHIT, he said. Oh honey! You better be careful. Phil made a siren with his mouth.
Damn grandpa, you have fun down at the Legion? You bet your ass I did. He gave Mary a kiss and sat down. Well, your grandpa’s always known how to have fun.
Can’t do it like I used to but I get by. Every Thursday he’s buzzing like this, Mary said. You’re running around like you are honey, you probably don’t see it much. I gotta see Joe, Joe. That’s his best friend, Stevie. Every Thursday, him and Joe. How cute.
Phil’s posture was the straightest Stevie had ever seen it. He cut into the steak like a farmer after a day in the fields. Oh, next Thursday, I’m going down to Montclair to see one of my high school girlfriends, we do it every month.
CLEAR THE ROADS! Phil laughed at his own words.
Oh, stop. But Stevie honey, I’ll leave you some money for dinner that night. Don’t worry about it. Grandma, tell me a good story about grandpa, from when he was young. Oh god. He was a wild thing, even after we had your father. Let’s see.
Oh dear. One of the first times he met Tito, wow. Maybe not one of the first times, but near the beginning. Your dad was there. I guess that story is maybe more about Tito, though. No, I wanna hear it. Everybody says my dad and him were wild but I never hear why.
Well, they were wild, especially that night. They were having quite the time down in Jersey City, but your grandpa had to go down there cause Tito got in a fight with Brad Daliuisio. I think that was his name? Brad Daluiso, he was a kicker for the Giants, Phil said. And Tito kicked his ass. Right, right. He was a sweet man too, I never liked that Tito did that. Brad didn’t want to press charges or anything, didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, didn’t want nothing.
Tito ripped the shirt right off his body and was wearing it like a jersey, Phil said. Down at Razor’s in Jersey City. I went down there to see him. I went down there too, Mary said, don’t forget that. We found your father and Tito in the parking lot. Phil saw him and slapped him upside the ear.
I did. I had to. Tito was drunk as a skunk, and I swear to God, Stevie, he was like a Flintstones character. Your dad, he could be three sheets to the wind and it was hard to tell. He was a cool customer like that. But Tito – I shouldn’t even be telling you this, I always forget how young you are. Tito was just wild back then, really a wild man.
He was a goddamn fool is what he was. Giving the guy a hard time because he had a bad game at the Meadowlands. That stadium was a dump and the wind was from hell. The guy didn’t say nothing to him, he only got upset once Tito started up. I slapped him across the head and I said, Tito, you look like a goddamn football, maybe that’s why you had a tough time with him. The football strikes back.