PIOUS BOY SPENDS ETERNITY IN PURGATORY FOR HIS THIRTEEN SECOND TIKTOK
March 6, 2021
Got a contract offer today, Stevie said. They wanna make me part of their channel network, offered money up front. Bro, the meet and greet convention, and now this? You’re blowing up, Timmy said. What’s the channel?
Deep Faith Network. Deep Fate Network? Deep Fate, like that Terminator movie? John Connor kid? Deep Faith, like prayer faith. What kinda faith we talking. Christian, bro. Christian Youtube network. They manage everything, really, just help me grow my audiences, link up with other creators. They saw my church video and loved it, they’re trying to snatch me up.
Pious Boy gets SLOSHED on BLOOD, Priest Wants DAMNATION??? Yeah, but you saw the end of that. The priest and I hugged it out, I said I loved god. They didn’t see the TikTok? The Pious Boy Tiktok was sick, but it wasn’t very spiritual. I’m just surprised they thought you were serious.
I’ll be serious if I have to be, Stevie said. I’m not above it, bro. Only god is. He made prayer hands and looked skyward.
Kid, slow down a second, let’s not go full sail Christian. They’re gonna have you kneeling in that pew reading Prayer Magazine kid. Giant wooden cross just dangling. Only person invested is evangelical flavored Phil.
What’s wrong with that? I’m gonna flashcard twenty five scriptures, just pretend I got the bible on lock. Going Rain Man calling out Luke 8:32. Thou shalt realize the glory of god. Oh lawwwwwd, like and subscribe to Stevie T, ummmmmm.
You’re trolling, Timmy said. Honestly, I’m not. It’s been such a grind to get this far bro, I need some help. Two thousand subs is minnow shit. I love workshopping with you guys, but I need professionals. If I gotta do some Christian stuff, I’ll do it. I think I can do what I’ve been doing, just keep it a little more PG.
Bro, Timmy said. A little Christian sauce on the side, I love that for you. But are they even gonna let you swear on camera? We’re talking like Veggie Tales PG bro. Youtube Kids shit. I just feel like you’re painting yourself into a corner here.
Matthew 29:16. Thou shalt paint a corner into each room, to understand the presence of God. You know what, I’m actually on board, Timmy said. These evangelicals gonna put Stevie in the golden birdcage. This whole time he’s been making the T hand gesture, he’s been doing it for the lord. Someone gets it, Stevie said.
Chet went to the window and took a dozen huge, billowing hits. Stevie, be cool. Is this really for real? I’m like Tito during an injury timeout right now. My heart is like a baby bird, could get stomped on so easily.
Yeah it’s honestly for real, bro. I actually already made the flashcards. Studying that shit all day. Moses 24:69, Jesus said to thy brother, oh dear brother, be beside me for all time, unlike that friggin rat Judas. Fuck you dad, thou sucks SHIT! Did Jesus really say fuck you, dad?
Chet, holy fuck, bro. Seriously, you gotta throw that pen out, you are legit retarded recently. Kid, I watched that Youtube clip of the Green Goblin getting crucified recently, he was salty as hell at god. What the fuck are you even saying, seriously.
That pen gonna be the death of me.
That’s his loading screen, Stevie. With the prayer hands, skull just liquid.
Dude, I was just trolling about all the bible verses. They’re not gonna make me do all that, they were pretty cool, actually. Well, pretty cool at first, once I signed the contract it got a little weird. You signed? I did. I didn’t want to say it at first, but it was just too good to pass up. I did. Kid, YOU DID? Yeah, every page bro. They said I had to sign in blood, I said the blood of Christ? They said no, your blood, Pious Boy. Fuck man, maybe you guys were right, maybe I shouldn’t have signed. Lifetime contract, too. Gotta kill the pope to get out of that. Fuck, can I even pray about this? They can probably CIA that prayer, put the screws to me. Contract was strict, too. Can’t get married to who I want, they choose for me. Can’t have sex till marriage, can’t have sex after marriage either without their permission. Gotta say five prayers on camera every day while facing the Vatican. Pious Boy Gets SPIRITUAL With His Daily PRAYER ROUTINE. I said, sure I can pray, that’s no big deal. They said, Stevie, praying is just the start. You will be our prayer warrior, on the battlefield of souls. The face of the modern Children’s Crusade. We’re going to take over this earth one mind at a time. Your Youtube subscribers are just the beginning. We have so, so much more planned. God is back, Stevie, and it starts with you. When they said that, I got chills bro. Shit was nuts. I felt like a higher power was in the room, but it didn’t feel like god. Damn bro, thinking about it now, I really shoulda read the whole thing. It was already bad by the second page. I didn’t even read the last ten. Just signed that shit with a Sharpie like Trump. Fuck, Chet, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Kidddddd, Chet said from the bottom bunk. I wish we could go inside this kid’s head Stevie, Timmy said. I bet you he believed that most of the way. Gotta check those knuckles. Snow white, guaranteed. Guaranteed.
I’m just getting revenge for my guy Tito, Stevie said. All he wants to do is to talk with his boys about the football game, he’s got five hundred sock puppets telling him Brodeur spilled hot coffee on Saquon’s lap and it’s worse than the McDonald’s case. He’s talking in his sleep, Mel, can you believe it, they turned the best running back of his generation into a friggin beef brisket. Unreal, it’s unfuckingreal.
Stevie’s got a real talent for this, Timmy said. Just a masterclass right now. God, this kid is a stud. Whenever you’re ready I’ll get you the care package of fake accounts. Nah, I’ll just do it to Chet instead, Stevie said. It’s the circle of life.
You got me kid. Stomped me out like an ANT. Just tell me you didn’t really sign to a Christian Youtube network.
They actually did offer me, but I’m not gonna sign. Not doing anything before the meet and greet convention, we’ll see how that goes. Deep Faith Network is too much bro, too much for me. I got too many ideas. I wanna go back to that church dressed as the devil and pass out hundred dollar bills, I wanna go to confession and lie, I wanna jump a BMX bike over a row of pews. I have a dozen ideas for every place on earth, churches, supermarkets, parks, libraries, classrooms, funeral parlors, maternity wards. Hundreds and hundreds of ideas, I’m just getting started.
I can’t sign to anyone, I gotta be free.
*
At home that night, Stevie practiced in front of the mirror like he always did. He orbited around the room like a planet, seeing how his face and body looked from every angle. He slid to the left, posed, slid to the right. He hinged forward and then hinged back. This went on for twenty minutes, until he realized it wasn’t enough. The very act of looking in the mirror changed how he looked.
He set up a tripod, put his phone on burst mode, and then held up his outstretched hand to start the timer. He slid to the left again, posed, slid to the right. Hinged back, hinged forward, rolled his shoulders. Rotated his body to the left, then to the right, making sure to get side angles of his face each way. At the very end he kneeled down with his head bowed and pretended to read Prayer Magazine in an imaginary pew.
When he finished he checked his phone. There were three hundred and sixty photos, a frame by frame accounting of his simple routine. Looking down at them, sliding across them with his thumb, he thought he didn’t have a bad angle. He thought that until the very last few, where he was kneeling, his head angled down. Looking at those last few photos, he learned a horrible truth. He was going bald.