LOOK AT THIS GUY, LOOK AT HIM. LOOKS LIKE HE WENT TWELVE ROUNDS WITH A POT OF CHILI. TRYING TO FINE ME OVER SOME PIGS IN A BLANKET, IT’S A FRIGGIN JOKE
February 12, 2021
Damn, bro, going wild in here. Why he’s crossing his arms like that? Like a corpse, Stevie said.
I know, Timmy said. Bro, congrats on the 1K. I keep texting you, you know how proud I am. Normally this would be a time for celebration, but. Something bad happened. Real bad. We got some devastating news out of Somerset County this weekend.
Fuck off, Tim. Kid is apparently happy with this news, on some cuck shit.
You’re a fucking nutcase bro. Timmy stood up from his desk to face him. Literally a nutcase. Like, what the fuck are you even talking about. We’re supposed to be celebrating Stevie, he made it out the triple digit ghetto. But you’re in your own head so bad. This shit is imaginary, literally pure imagination, you have no actual evidence.
No evidence? You heard the way she was talking. She turned on the fucking golf tournament kid, she was listening to Jim Nantz like he was GOD. Shit is fucking sad bro, no one likes golf that much. What is this about, Stevie said.
Fucking bullshit, kid. Stevie, it’s fucked up, don’t tell anyone. I only tell you cause you’re blood. It’s not easy for me to say, but I’ll come clean. Found out last night. Keegan Bradley fucked my fucking mom, dude.
Who’s Keegan Bradley? Exactly, Chet said. He’s a pro golfer, a pretty good one, Timmy said. Who definitely didn’t fuck our mom. Chet clicked his tongue. Let me hear the whole story, Stevie said. Then I’ll make a judgment. Good? Good. But let me tell it, kid. Guaranteed Timmy is gonna underplay it.
So mom and dad went to some banquet thing at Trump’s course, whatever it’s called. Bedminster. Sure, yeah. They went up there, they must have stayed for like five hours, it was basically the whole day. Come home, I’m downstairs chilling on the couch. Tito was fucking PISS drunk kid, he knocked over like three chairs at the kitchen island. Mom’s vibe was fucked from the start. First of all, she was mad salty cause Tito had gotten banned from the whorederves tray for eating too many mini hot dogs. They cut him off but he said he only had twelve. I guess he got real snippy with the staff there, kept yelling he was being stereotyped as a fat bald man. He was still mad about it at home too, he kept saying it wasn’t me, it wasn’t fucking me, it was a fat crowd. We all looked the same, one of these fucks ate all the mini hot dogs. I think I even know who it was, friggin slimeball. Guy’s getting a free pass while I only get to eat a dozen. It’s bullshit, how they gonna ban someone from mini hot dogs anyway? They’re like a quarter a piece. They shoulda let me talk to Trump. Banned from whorederves at his club, Christ. Paid a hundred bucks a seat, its a goddamn travesty. Mom was like, Chet it was so embarrassing honey, he was calling out people in the crowd as the real culprit. He was yelling, the guy in the pink shirt, look at the meat sauce stains on this guy’s shirt. He’s got a friggin half gallon of meat sauce on his shirt, it’s even worse than the bowtie guy over there. These guys are robbing ya blind, taking it out on me, it’s bullshit is what it is. It was mortifying, honey. He was like, don’t call me mortifying, it went on and on. She bitched about it for a while.
Then she says, Keegan Bradley. You know the name?
I said, guy lowkey sounds like he invented the bowtie. Mom got mad at that, like too mad. She kept saying how nice he was, over and over again. Tim, Dad even lifted his head off the table and said fugging cut it out Mel, I’m telling ya, enough. She kept going on and on, how tall and nice he was. It was fucking profane kid.
She was probably just mad at dad and wanted to annoy him, Timmy said. Kid I’m not done, listen, listen. So last night she says she’s going to D’Raymonds with her friends, the outfit was immaculate kid. Shit was on point, wearing diamonds and shit. She was dripping and her vibe was off, way off kid, I just know it. I can tell, it’s obvious. She’s going to eat two pounds of pasta in that outfit? There’s no way. Then she comes back, no leftovers kid. Fucking so fake. The portions there are insane, she didn’t have a single leftover rigatoni. You know her, Stevie, she never likes throwing shit out. I say, you didn’t get a box for home? She said, oh I’m sorry honey, there just wasn’t much left. Shit just doesn’t add up. I ate two chicken parms there and almost died, I was lowkey literally begging to go to the emergency room, pleading with dad. Shit is just not realistic kid. She came back happy as a clamp too. She was fucking – he threw a lacrosse ball into the corner as hard as he could. Getting ran through by Keegan. Bradley.
This fucking kid is out of his mind, Timmy said. This is like what old people do, just fantasize about things that trigger them. Kidddd, you got no idea. Pull it up over there, let Stevie see this guy. Stevie, you’re gonna shit yourself. Timmy navigated to Youtube and searched Keegan Bradley, clicked on the top video.
Don’t do his highlights, damn you wanna fuck this guy too? Get a video of him talking. Timmy scrolled until he found one.
A blonde in a golf outfit said, Keegan, up and down Saturday for you, four birdies on the front, two bogeys on the back. How do you feel about your day today? Yeah, thanks Stephanie, you know, I was really striking the ball well today, felt really dialed in, just the putter let me down a little bit in the end there.
Turn it off, turn it off. This motherfucker called it a putter, how gay is that? And he FUCKED my FUCKING MOM, DUDE. Chet ran back to the bottom bunk and put a pillow over his head. Timmy and Stevie slipped out in silence.