AND I’LL TELL YA, THAT’S HOW IT IS ALLLLLL THE WAY UP AND ALLLLLL THE WAY DOWN
August 28, 2022
Bro, the Teen Magazine curse, Timmy said. This shit is real as anything.
I know, Stevie said. I fell off so bad. At least I didn’t die, I guess. Or injure myself or something.
Bro, not you. You really didn’t hear? Hear what?
Brock Wippleton.
They found his birth certificate from 1991? No, he died.
Stop, that’s not funny. I’m deadass, it’s really fucked up. TeenMagazine.com needs to be held to account bro, this shit is out of control. What happened? He chugged a four cup funnel of toilet water at the Full Send Fuck Fest and died. He really died? Yeah. Stevie was speechless, touched his phone until he found it was true. Holy shit, man. I can’t believe this. That’s horrible.
Dude, yeah, Timmy said. I don’t mean to sound nonchalant. I mean, it’s just insane. Brain eating virus from the Full Send Fuck Fest.
Damn. That sucks so bad, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I really liked Brock, too. DREAMERCON legend, bro. He was ahead of his time. The burliest TeenMagazine.com teen ever. I saw him at Kids Choice with Lesnar. We were both auditioning for The Upstart, you hear about that? That Disney movie? Yeah. About the first teenage head coach in the NFL. I really thought he was gonna get it.
Bro, those delts coulda bossed around anyone. I know, Stevie said. He was like six five and yoked, you coulda cast Shaq and it wouldn’t look weird. Damn, Timmy said.
Who else got the curse, Stevie said. It’s been like a year since I thought about it. Fifteen people must’ve died in the grisliest way possible.
Nobody else died, that I know of. I think I would know, I’m obsessed with the curse bro. The bowtie kid went nuts, I know that.
Johnathan Gant? Yeah, Johnathan Gant. Kid’s on fire bro. Sounding like teenage Hitler in some of these videos. Wearing the trademark bowtie polo shirt combo, of course. Not even what happened can stop him. What happened?
They used his bowtie company to kill someone and he snapped. What?
Yeah, bro. One of the bowties literally exploded and it took a kid’s head off. Was the president of Deutsche Bank’s son. Holy shit.
Yeah. I mean, there’s no way a normal Smartbow could kill someone, they definitely rigged that shit and then blamed him. Some deepstate shit. Even deeper than the Ellen thing bro. Now he’s lashing out at anybody and everybody. Going Prest Malone on the libs.
I don’t think he was a liberal to begin with, Stevie said. Especially after the Fort Lee thing. They didn’t post his reel so he called the youth coordinator lady a cunt on Instagram. Then he made the estate tax second channel. Thought he wanted to exploding bowtie his dad.
Stevie slid over to the computer, worked the mouse. Fuck man. Can’t believe the DREAMERCON Don is gone. RIP man, I loved that kid. Stevie surfed the web, went to the same four sites he always did, minus one. Using someone else’s computer is so much better. Why? I don’t know, it just doesn’t have my algorithm I guess. Different ads, different feel. Chet’s logged in, that algorithm is a wild ride bro. Like the computer hit the Chinese pen.
What is this? What? This shit. STEVIE T ETHER.
Oh god, bro. I don’t know if you should play that. What is it? Bro. I’m serious. Stevie fended off Timmy’s reaching arm and double clicked on it. Fuck. The Ether instrumental came on, ripped from Youtube.
Bro, he couldn’t have gotten a WAV of the instrumental? This shit is like 192, at most. This beat is literally gurgling bro, like what is that noise. I really don’t think we should play this, Timmy said.
(FUCK STEVIE T)
(FUCK STEVIE T)
(FUCK STEVIE T)
Stevie T, face like an angel
With a hairline just like Kurt Angle
I’m jumping off the top rope
Your pussy ass gon get smoked
Remember when you were seven years old
and you shit yourself?
Hah, I do
Running down the beach
Leaking doo-doo
I’m about to do you dirtier than before
Sixteen years old, hairline looking thirty four
AND ya grandma’s a whore
Ya sister’s a dyke
She’s a catcher in softball
You know what that’s like
Then again, seen you two on Family Strokes
Pornhub
Young Chetty
I get more love
Your sideburns look like Florida
But your hairline back in Georgia
What the fuck, this is fucking ridiculous, Stevie said. I’m sorry, bro. It’s fucked up, I’ll make him delete it. He really went off, I can’t lie, Stevie said. I guess this is full circle. The final revenge for the Taylor Roll.
He was really mad at you. Mad enough to quit the pens and start training. Like legit training, cold plunges, rucking with barbell plates in his backpack. Kid was Navy Seal for a minute.
I guess I deserve it, in a way. I shouldn’t be mad. I mean, I woulda been furious at the time, but I was going dudley. Full Dudley Rothschild for the last eight months. He honestly completely ethered me, I can say that. I got ethered bigly. I can’t believe he called my grandma a whore, though. And admitted he likes stepsister porn.
You know Chet, he always has to son himself while he sons you. It’s really the heart of going dudley.
Shit, here he comes. You can just tell bro, dad hates the way this kid goes up the stairs. It sounds like Tito to me, Stevie said.
Chet burst into the room. Yooooo, holy shit. He dapped Stevie up and gave him a hug. I heard you were coming. Kid, it’s time to reinstate the truce. I fucked up, you fucked up, but you know, what do you think kid.
Absolutely, Stevie said. I feel the same way. I don’t know what I was thinking, I let it go way too far. It’s definitely squashed now.
That’s a way off my shoulders kid. I’m glad it’s all Walter under the bridge, I was pretty devastated honestly. What are you guys doing right now? They all looked at the computer. Music was open and the cover art was Chet holding a balding scalp.
Ah, fuck bro. I shoulda been deleted that. I was down extremely bad, as bad as I’ve ever been down.
I loved it, bro. Don’t you dare delete that. A keepsake for the ages.
You liked it?
You went off, bro. I’ll be honest, you always talked about your shit, nonstop. Going Dudley got hyped like Avatar 2 bro, for like a fucking decade. Never even heard it.
And you never will, Chet said. It’s mid, I can’t lie. Yeah, but this isn’t, Stevie said. You went off, bro. Maybe I shoulda heard this when you made it. I was so in my own head, I did whatever they said. Is my hair really that bad, though? Like, don’t troll me, honestly. Stevie spun in a circle.
Kid, I told you like five million times, your hair is fine. I made the song cause you wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Manpunzel, not because your hair looked bad. Manpunzel, Stevie said. Manbunzel too, kid. You were ready to film two different versions. One with a braided bun on the top, one just flowing. Truly the definition of dudley, Timmy said. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when you brought it up.
You don’t know the half of it, Stevie said. My head has been so fucked with honestly. Tell me, did you guys Tito me? Like sock account me and shit?
They looked at him for a long, confused second. You don’t even like sports kid, how am I gonna do that? The only thing you’re obsessed with is yourself. Right, Stevie said.
I wouldn’t do that, Timmy said. I’m starting to feel bad I even did it to Tito. Guy hasn’t even watched a preseason game. No, Stevie said. I wouldn’t think you would do it. But for some reason I kinda thought Chet did. It wasn’t like his stuff on the Giants forum, it was more subtle.
I honestly didn’t kid. I don’t got the patience for that. Timmy was grinding like Mike Fence on there, making love to his playbook kid. I did the thing with Hank, the diss track and I stole prostate pills from your drawer. The holy trinity of sins.
Holy shit, you stole the pills? Yeah, I’m sorry. But why the fuck did you even have those? Apparently if you take a few at once your prostate secretes a psychedelic compound, Stevie said.
Wow bro. The kid’s third eye is his asshole. Nah, nah, Stevie said. I got fake newsed, the shit didn’t work. And they were Phil’s anyway.
Phil’s about to drive that Silverado down Rainbow Road kid. You think he’s asleep in the recliner, the guys in the fuckin fifth dimension, pupils spinning in his head. Why’s Phil got those, Timmy asked. Yeah kid, he’s into assplay too?
He has difficulty urinating. Wow. Scumbag Stevie sealing Phil’s bladder up like a tomb. I know dude. I really went dudley the dudley way. Got mad regrets.
You’re way too young to have regrets. We’ll make a throwback when you’re ready. When you unquit the internet.
Yeah, I think I could use that. But we’ll post it on your channel, not mine. Stevie’s gonna engineer Chet’s godhood, bro, Timmy said. Then Chet’s gotta pretend he can’t remember Stevie’s name. Starts with a Z that’s all he can remember. Full circle shit bro. It’s a new season, Stevie said. Anything can happen, I’m friggin tellin ya.
Chet, you hear back yet? Actually, I can tell you didn’t, Timmy said. You got that Prest Malone energy bro, ready to bite someone’s forearm.
I’d break a controller with sweat easy right now kid. Stevie, I auditioned for a movie, bro. Playing Chet Hanks, and I swear to god I went off in there. The other Chets had no chance, kid. I went method. Bigly rolled the dice and got a vape from the Mobil station. Playing with fire, kid. Sweating when I took that first hit. That kid in Teaneck just got the papermache lungs from a bad vape, and the seal on that shit was like fucking mortar kid. Tough situation all around, I was legit sweating bulletins. Shit’s been bad since they locked up Taz Mart. I said a prayer for him over the vape, free my guy from the CIA blacksite kid. I think it worked too, Taz Mart was my guardian angel. Always loved that guy. I crushed it kid, I fucking rolled in there. They saw the vape bulging in my pocket, asked me to pull it out and hit it during the audition. I hit that shit like Joe Theisman kid. Going Dudley Lawrence Taylor DUDLEY. I’m playing every single family member like the Klumps, kid.
When you gonna find out? Soon, I think. Real soon. Casting director said they’d let us know before Monday. Chet went to the bottom bunk, sank into it for a moment, then sprang back up and went to his closet. Gotta call in the big guns. He pulled off his sleeveless hoodie and put on a Carmelo jersey, then put the hoodie back on.
Melo, I defended you from the haters for years. Bring me home, sir. Bring me home.
*
What the hells going on back here. What’s up, Tito. Stevie! Holy crap. I missed you like hell, son. Last time I saw you, you were gray. You look a million times better. It’s not the same without you, bub, it’s really not. You’re the best. Come over here, wow, wow. This is a family reunion right here. They’ll write this in the textbooks, they really will. Stevie, what are these two jamokes doing, anyway?
Chet is shook, we’re burning his Melo jersey in the firepit.
What the hell? Son, that jersey cost a hundred bucks.
Yeah but it’s cost me millions at least kid. What happened now? Hey, that’s my draft guide from last year. Jeez, I could’ve still used it.
We looked through it. Tito was like the guy from the Shining, Stevie said. It’s true, pops you put like fifty thousand words in the margins, like a psycho. The crazy part is the guy still drafted Mike Glennon. On some cuck shit, kid.
I didn’t draft Mike Glennon goddamnit, give me some credit. His name was written and circled, dad, be honest. Yeah I wrote his name and circled it. Like, maybe pick him up on the waiver wire if DJ gets his neck broken. And I was right, damnit. Listen, I don’t want to hear it, I already came in last place. Had to take a friggin blowup doll to the steakhouse as a punishment. Shoulda never drafted Toney in the third round. Guy tore every muscle in his friggin body. Allegedly. You did?
I did, I did, I'll admit it. Kadarius is talented, give me a break. Needs to get his head on straight, that’s all. No, you brought a blowup doll to a steakhouse? Like a real steakhouse?
I did that too, but let’s not announce this shit please. Mel doesn’t even know, she’d kill me. What am I gonna do? I’m a man of my word. God, it’s bad enough I had the blowup doll with me, it was like a week after I found out Mel fucked some asshole pro golfer with a gay name.
KID, WHAT? Chet ran a circle around the firepit. What the fuck, I fucking knew it. I FUCKING KNEW IT. Yeah, he really tuned her up bad. He wore the golf visor as he was plowing her, that was the toughest part to hear. I said, why did you have to tell me that Mel. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah he turned the visor backwards at the end, god I was devastated when she dropped that bomb. I said, Mel, there was another man in our bedroom, that’s bad enough. But you mean to tell me you let this guy wear a fuckin visor backwards in there? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Tito started laughing hysterically. I can’t even go through with it, goddamnit. You think you’re the only ones who can op people? Dumb assholes.
Obviously, bro. I can’t believe Chet is that shook, you brought the Prest Malone out of him. Bro, did you really think Keegan Bradley turned his visor backwards before he nutted and mom told dad that?
Tim, I wouldn’t act so cool. You guys thought I thought a friggin bum handed the first round pick to Goodell. You guys thought I really thought that a homeless person wearing RAGS and shit handed the envelope to Goodell. And that that bum was a CIA operative?
Thought thought that that, kid Timmy had dad crossed up. Reading two retarded conspiracies at a time, one with each eye.
Chet, fuck off son, Tito said. First off, give your mom some credit. She’s an angel. She thought Keebler Brady was hot, and that’s her right, but she’d never do me wrong. Second of all, you came from me, you guys are me, just thirty years later. You guys were hitting that blunt thinking you were gods, I was pulling the strings the whole time. And I’ll tell ya, that’s how it is allllll the way up and allllll the way down.
I’m gonna be fucking sick, Chet said. I think the Melo smoke poisoned me. This was a huge mistake. I’m never gonna green in 2k again. If I know Melo at all, he’ll make sure that never happens again.
Relax, will ya? Let me grab the pigskin. It’s beautiful out, you sad sacks need to run around a little. Tito ran up into the house and Stevie stared at the grey bits of ash as they flew off the fire. Timmy walked out into the grass, stretched his quads. Chet sank back onto the chaise lounge.
I can’t stop thinking about this one Chet at the audition, kid. That kid probably got it. The receptionist was going DUDLEY over him bro, every other Chet she was disgusted by, then this one Chet she was hook lime and sinker kid. What if that’s really Prime Chet and I’m just fucking, Divisible Chet.
This is the saddest shit I’ve ever heard, bro. Fuck off Tim, I wanna hear what Stevie thinks. Stevie, I’m telling you kid. If it was up to the receptionist, I know who got it. They probably gave that shit to Prime Chet, straight up.
Bro, the kid had to be white, right, Stevie said. And the casting guy just said Chet Hanks has to be played by a BIPOC. So no one at your audition got picked either. Kid, Prime Chet could convince anyone he’s POC. But I don’t know if that’s me.
Tito opened the screen door wearing a Phil Simms jersey and carrying a football. Timmy ran a crisp route and Tito threw it off the deck to him. You’re thinking too much, Stevie said.
Two on two boys, me and Stevie will smoke you, Tito said. GUARANTEED. Chet is biting on the pump fake, easy money. Let’s go. Two completions for a first down, right? Right. God, if we played tackle I’d have you boys bruised into next week. Stevie, I’ll be quarterback, but you call the plays, alright?
Stevie won rock paper scissors and they started from the right end of the backyard, by the big tree. First down was a slant, second down was an out, both successful. Stevie ran a stick and go next, but his double move didn’t work. Chet’s coverage was good and the throw just missed off his fingertips. They backed off the ball before the next play and Stevie whispered a play on his hand.
Alright, here we go. Let’s run a screen, throw it behind alright? Not a forward pass. I’m gonna come around behind you on a reverse, you go out for a pass. If I have room to the left, I’ll run it. If they shut me off, you run an out to the right. I’m gonna pump fake it and then you go long.
Beautiful stuff kid, I love it. Let’s go.
Tito got to the line and grabbed the ball. Omaha. Omaha. Hut. Timmy was flexing on his foot, arms dropped to his side. LT over here. Shotgun, shotgun. Tito nodded at Stevie, then said hike. Timmy feinted and didn’t blitz, counting off the time in mississippis. Stevie ran back three yards and Tito threw it to his back shoulder. Stevie caught it and came around behind Tito in a full sprint. Chet gave chase but had a bad angle and Timmy yelled switch, switch.
Stevie ran all the way to the left and Timmy cut him off there, by the steps, and Stevie moved back to the center. Timmy waited at the line of scrimmage, standing in place even though he was free to rush. Tito made his cut, breaking towards the fence. Stevie pump faked and Chet lunged forwards. Tito cut upfield, the grass wide open in front of him. Timmy jolted forward, closing the distance quickly and Stevie lofted it up, just over the reach of Timmy’s long arms. The ball shone in the summer sun, rotating beautifully in the golden light. Tito took five more steps, all of their necks turned to him, the ball suspended in the air, swirling and swirling, the striped brown leather only interrupted by the laces. Stevie felt the same sense of time dilation he once had, decades and decades ago. Before the molten lava in his chest had rolled down the slopes and buried everything he knew. There was the singing of birds in the tree, the backs of their heads, the lines in the steps of the deck where the coating was fading. Around and around, forward and backward, always and never at once. He didn’t have an ounce of wisdom, but he thought maybe he had the raw materials for it. It would just take time, it just had to ferment more. Someday, on a summer day like this, he would feel good about the long distance he’d come. The ball began its descent and Tito’s right foot landed and twisted. He crumpled to the ground, holding his ankle and yelling. GODDAMNIT, THAT HURTS, MY FRIGGIN ANKLE, GODDAMNIT.
The ball bounced helplessly into the grass, ricocheting back and almost hitting Tito in the head. Phil Simms just shattered himself kid. Goddamnit, I rolled it bad. Stevie, what is it with you and debilitating leg injuries, bro. Yo, chill.
Tito, you alright? I’ll be fine. Goddamnit. It was a beautiful play and ball. Chet bit like an idiot fish on a lure. Pops, Stevie sacrificed you to the gods with that weak ass Chad Pennington noodle arm kid. It was a great throw, you’re out of your mind. They helped him to his feet and he hobbled up onto the deck.
He sat for a moment, then bashed his fists against his thighs. He tore the Phil Simms jersey off his back and threw it onto the embers of the fire. Dad, what the hell man.
Yo, Tito, don’t, chill, take that out. Let it burn, Tito said. Whoa, Dark Tito kid. Taking souls.
Tito, I’m serious, Stevie said. Please don’t burn the jersey, the lawn is just uneven or something.
Listen, kid, Tito said, sinking into the chaise lounge. I’ve had just about all I can take of this. Used to be a time where putting a Giants jersey on was like putting on a suit of armor. Made me feel like part of something. Now I put it on, I just feel like something bad is about to happen.
I told you, Stevie said, I like that new coach. Yeah, yeah. We’ll see. The future isn’t for us to know and the past is dead, so let’s burn the jersey and then go from there. Makes sense to me, Chet said.
Nah, dad, Stevie’s right. You can’t burn the jersey, Chet shouldn’t have even burned his Melo jersey. Phil Simms won you guys a Super Bowl. Fuck em, I hope he burns his mouth on a Bigelow tea. Timmy gasped in an exaggerated way. Dad and Chet the pilot and copilot, flying this plane into the ground. Tito just sighed, closing his eyes, his bad ankle pulled into him. Chet sat down on the other lounge, his head sunk down into his chest. What is going on, Stevie said. This is breaking my heart right now.
That Melo smoke poisoned me kid, I don’t even wanna know what that Phil Simms smoke is about to do. Gonna drain the juice from our bodies bigly. Gonna hit the Valley like Skeletor kid, just scaring the hoes. Fuck kid, I’m unzipped. Fuckin completely juiceless, this is fucked. I’m done, it’s a wrap kid. Drecks Chicken Caesar wrap, just fuckin DONE for. I think I peaked at fourteen, lowkey. Been more and more lowtide since then. I was on point back then. Anything was possible. I remember I ate two DiFazios large pizzas at once, no sweat kid. Wasn’t even fazed. Gerry Pasquerella was there, I convinced the kid that Blink 182 was a radio station.
The ops were so pure back then, Timmy said. Just little shit, god we had people shook.
I never cared for it, Tito said. You guys weren’t as funny as you thought you were. You’re a lot funnier now, a lot funnier. The post on Giants Corner about Brodeur spilling cheeseburger salad all over Mara’s lap? It was great stuff, just great. You guys had a few all timers. Brodeur writing his big board for the draft with a crayon on construction paper? Somehow Twitter got a hold of that one. Had a few of these beats believing it. That’s how shit stupid some of these fuckheads are. It’s unreal.
I can’t believe my op got opped, Timmy said. I got bigly humbled. When did you know we were on there?
Oh, early. A long time ago. It was all the dudley stuff. Dudley this, dudley that. Dudley Coughlin played fullback at Dudley College. I mean, you guys had so many sock accounts going back and forth, back and forth. Guys that I knew weren’t in on it would comment on it, how bizarre it was. Guys from the 90s, from the Dan Reeves, Dave Brown days. These are my brothers. Kent Graham, Stony Case, I mean fuck. We walked together in the desert for years. We didn’t score a touchdown in the red zone for a whole year, I was on there every day with them. That Keith Hamilton defensive holding call in 01, I’ll fucking break off Gerald Austin’s leg and beat him with it. That Elmer Fudd looking motherfucker, he had that stupid white hat on two sizes too big. Pea brain, that’s why the hat looked so big. Worst fucking call I’ve ever fucking seen in my life. I don’t care if he’s a hundred and two years old now, I’ll fucking jostle that walker on sight.
He sighed again and settled deeper into the lounge chair, sliding both legs straight. I’ll tell ya, I wouldn’t have gotten through it without these guys. Band of brothers shit. I don’t even care if you guys laugh at me, I mean it and I’m not ashamed to say it. They fucking know how I feel and I know how they feel. Mel sees me wearing two jerseys, she thinks I’m out of my fucking mind. She sees me down to who I am but it’s just, she thinks I’m mentally retarded when it comes to this. Like it’s just a dumb idea of mine, but it’s not, it’s real to me. As real as this chair or this house. It’s my good luck charm, I’ll never stop. Lawrence Taylor underneath, Saquon on top. The past and the future together like that. Always LT underneath, my favorite current player on top. Rodney Hampton, Ike Hilliard, Strahan, Eli, now Saquon. Love this kid Saquon. He’s gonna be back, if we can get out of his way. I hope he does well this year and they pay him, I really do. It won’t take that much, the running back market is dogshit, they don’t pay these guys nothing anymore. But Saquon means a lot to the team, that’s important. It’s not just numbers on a spreadsheet, you can put that on my tombstone. I’m saying it at work and I’m saying it on the forum. These people think the data shows them the true nature of reality, it doesn’t. It can show you things you might not notice, but behind every number is something real happening in the world. You put all your faith in data, you might as well stick your head in the sand. The data itself is a data point. You take it like another voice in the room, no more, no less. I don’t need a new jersey. Schoen will play hardball, that’s what he’s paid to do, but I hope he keeps SB around. The guys on the forum get it. Actually, I shouldn’t say that, lotta them think I’m too bullish on SB. The real ones get it. The real diehards. Life isn’t just a game of Madden. We’ve been around for too long, we know better. We’re a special group. We’ve taken a lot of shit, we’re dodging bullshit all day every day. Through the good and the bad, and that’s a special thing, I think you know that but it really is. To have a bond like that across time, through the good and the bad, that’s special. For me, it’s all on the forum. For you guys, it’s real life, and that’s special. What you guys got, I mean it’s a real blessing, it really is.
Damn, dad. The Phil Simms smoke hitting like a BLUNT, kid.
Stevie got a call and decided to answer it, walking around to the crevice between the deck and the fence. The kid still loves his mysterious phone calls, Timmy said. Kid, that could be ANYONE on the phone, asking anything. Literally nothing would be surprising.
How old is Stevie now? Seventeen. I shoulda known that, Tito said. That’s god on the phone, Timmy said. Asking Stevie for one last favor.
Leave the kid alone, alright? Oh boy, Tito said. He got up and limped down the stairs towards the fence, where his neighbor stood.
What? I’ll worry about the sparks over here, alright Chuck? Just snapped my fucking ankle and this guy’s talking about ash. Not my first fire, I’m fifty years old. What’s that? Yeah, I got the grate on it. What are you bitching for, if you can’t even tell? Good lord. Alright, yep. Have a good one.
This fucking guy, Tito said towards the house. I feel like he likes you, dad. It wasn’t what he said, it was how he said it. Tito snorted. Well, I’d hate to see what he’s like if he didn’t like me then. Guy wants to do a fuckin book report if there’s moss growing on the fence. Goddamnit, life is hard enough and people like making it harder.
Maybe he’s fucking with you, Timmy said. Yeah kid, his vibe was Taz Mart all day. Guy’s eyes looked like a pair of gutterballs. Chuck hit the New York City Diesel and decided to fuck with dad like I fuck with Phil.
You both suck at it, Tito said. It’s just annoying. Now Timmy, I appreciate that he was on the forum grinding to nail the tone. It was really hard to tell sometimes. Chet was just stupid, it was obvious from the first letter. Dudley Brodeur was chewing on the corner of the playbook like a fuckin beagle. I saw that post one time after midnight, I thought I was having sleep paralysis or some shit. Then I realized it was really there, and I just knew it was Chet. Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. You guys were everywhere.
Chet, you retard, Timmy said. Oh nooooooooo. COVER IS BLOWN. WE’RE FUCKED, GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE. Eeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Relax, fellas. It’s funny, in the end. Dudley Brodeur. Really makes you think about your life, seeing that at 1 AM. Thank god Stevie’s not an idiot like that.
Kid, Stevie does this shit too, he just does it to himself.
Chet, he’s standing right there.
Oh shit, I’m sorry kid. I don’t mean anything by it. Chet has it out for me bigly, Stevie said. Tito, he made a rap diss about me, can you believe that? And he can actually rap his ass off, he had bars. Just ROASTED me about that time I shit my swimtrunks in Cape May.
I wouldn’t be so arrogant, Chet. I remember that trip well, you cried for an hour straight after that horsefly bit you on the forehead. Kid was nine years old, crying uncontrollably, not a day after he was awful to Stevie about shitting himself. Kidddddddd.
Who was that on the phone, bro? Ellen. Degeneres? Stop kid, degenerate called? Chill. Tito took his hands off his face. No shit, Stevie?
Yeah. Did she say sorry? She did, she actually sounded pretty sorry, too. I mean I know she’s acted, but it seemed genuine to me. She’s always been nice to me, from the beginning. Did she say why that dogshit ran on TV? She said she doesn’t know why, she kinda does but not totally, but she’s sorry she played a part in it and she feels terrible.
Christ. The whole thing stinks like a friggin Arizona fish market. It’s crazy but honestly, I think she’s mostly telling the truth, Stevie said. You do? I do. There’s a lot about it she’s not telling me, but I don’t think she knows the whole story either. I think some of it is a mystery to her, too.
You know damn well that’s true, Stevie. The whole thing is just a rich man’s trick, above me, above you, above Ellen. You think the Giants are a shitshow, just imagine when it’s trillions at play and not billions. It’d make you sick to your stomach, if you knew the whole story. It does make me sick to my stomach, knowing what I know. This friggin bum Honey Handjob couldn’t fly a plane in Starfox 64, you mean to tell me he flew a 767 in a corkscrew motion in protected airspace and hit a twenty five foot high target? Flying at five hundred and fifty knots ten feet off the ground? It’s a fucking joke.
What are we talking about? Timmy, you could figure it out. Stevie and Chet weren’t even alive yet, but you were. You probably remember the bad vibes, on an unconscious level. I said, what did I bring my son into this world for. This dark, evil, scheming world. The Ellen shit is a puddle, it goes so much deeper than that. It’s so much worse, bigger, more profane. An insult to god, if he’s not part of it too. God could just be some schmuck loser, running a program on a computer, in a place outside time and space. We got no idea. It’s an endless pyramid, no top no bottom. We’re stuck in the middle, just hoping. God, I used to just hold Timmy for hours, it was the only thing that got the weight off my chest. His pure energy saved me. I swear to god it did. It poured off of him like pure light. You’ll never understand what it’s like to have a child until you have one. And you won’t understand the world until you make someone new. I had the whole world packed into my chest, all stuffed in there. When you came out, it all made sense for a minute. I really felt for the people, the mass of people here on earth. They got the whole world packed into their chests, too. Millions of them care more about someone else than they do about themselves. Doesn’t that break your friggin heart?
When that horrible thing happened, it hurt. I felt it in every cell. The worst psychic energy I could ever imagine outside of hell. The thousands of dead people, the tens of thousands who loved them, and then the rest of us, sick just imagining it. Forces just, beyond us, beyond our ability to understand. They did it here and then they did it there too, killed all those innocent people. The demons did their work, in their compartments. Friggin Shel Silverstein took out those insurance policies on the Twin Towers, like a month before. Didn’t go to the office that day, he shoulda been up there at Windows of the World. His wife said he needed to get his ass irrigated or whatever. They were whispering, alright. What a goddamn sickening tragedy, the way all those people died. They belched it up from hell and the demons made arrangements in their rooms. Fucking sick. I wish I could do something. They’d have me falling off the back of a boat before I got one percent of the way there. Sorry Stevie, I shouldn’t say it that way. I’d never make it all the way, is what I mean.
I don’t know the answer, Tito said. I wish I did. I think we just gotta hope to stay out of the way, the little people on the ground. Protect the people around you, love them and care for them, that’s all you can do. That’s sadly where I am. Maybe we’ll get through to John Mara someday, but we’ll never get clear through to the center, to the heart of it all. We’ll only ever know a few pieces of the puzzle, dropped here or there, like a half burned passport. It’s amazing you even got in the room, Stevie, that you got to the level you did. It shows how talented you are, kid. That’s a room full of liars and killers, maybe worse. You were too pure hearted for it. Who knows what kind of bad juju they spiked your life with. If you’re done with it like you say you are, I support it. Take a break and see, right? Either way you’re lucky, in the end. Still alive and a teenager. I’d kill not to have cursed ankles, to be eighteen with Dudley Bozo again, just ragdolling some bum ass linebackers. Yeah, they got you on the whole thing, but fuck em. FUCK EM. Don’t even give it another thought. These sons of bitches own everything but they can’t own us. You escaped, think about it that way Stevie. If you were still in there they’d still be fucking with your head. The whole operation is bigger than the world, bigger than the sky. We’ll never know, but maybe someone does. Maybe in this world, maybe in the next. That blue sky up there looks infinite to us, but to someone, somewhere, it’s just pretty wallpaper in a room.
Kid.