WE NEED TO SEE HOW IT LOOKS WHEN YOU TAKE A HIT OF YOUR VAPE. IT HAS LOW BATTERY? PERFECT
AUGUST 24, 2022
Bro, enough with the dials, Jesus Christ. Just put something on and stick with it, come on.
I’m going method kid. Gonna have Tom Hanks on the ROPES.
They’re not gonna cast Tom Hanks to play Tom Hanks, how much do you even know about this movie?
The less the better. I got good institutions about it.
They parked in a garage and walked a block to the spot, then up four flights of stairs. When they entered the agency, there were dozens of Chets there. Chets were tapping the fishtank, doing pushups, holding magazines upside down, staring into phones, holding phones backwards, scouting for places to do pullups, holding the flame of a lighter to the corner of a magazine, and reading the scripts.
You don’t gotta be a fucking saltlick about it, lady. They’ll be ready when they’re ready, the receptionist said curtly. Yeah, I fucking bet they will. Brolic Chet pushed wimpy Chet off the couch and put his feet on a table. Prime Chet went up to the desk and spoke to the receptionist. He asked a question and then repeated back what she said, put his hood up and found an open chair.
I wanted to bounce but I gotta stick around for this, Timmy whispered. Chet mecca, kid. A bespectacled Chet was staring into one of the windows, moving his reflection. It’s the damnnnnnn KID, he said to himself. This Poindexter is gonna play this part? Kid I got LASEK when I was twelve years old, this kids wearing Transitions like a fucking PSA. Glasses fogging up while he’s trying to talk to a chick, fucking SAD bro.
Kid, I was blind as fuck, another Chet said. Way blinder than you, was lowkey running into walls at an early age. Kid, my eyes were black when I was born. Doctor thought I was the fucking devil. Goes to show you how savage I am bro.
Honestly lowkey kid, my name is Gary. I’m going so fucking method you’d never know I’m not Chet. Unless I told you. But my name’s not Gary actually. You can call me G.
Kid, a Dolphins jersey? Someone lowkey is not as method as they think. I GUARANTEE Chet is a Raiders fan. Guaranteed. Kid’s looking like fuckin grandma’s brooch. Grandma’s hacking into the matrix? What the fuck are you even saying kid. Look at yourself cuck, kid looks like he hates himself highkey. Black jeans? I just don’t know kid, I just don’t know.
The door at the back opened and a bearded man emerged. All of the Chets turned to him and formed into the posture they thought he wanted.
OK, thank you for coming. We got a long day ahead of us so we’ll get in order here. First things first. He pointed to a half dozen of them. If you brought the script to read, you don’t understand what we’re going for here. Thank you for coming but we are not interested.
Bro, bro, bro, you fucking SERIOUS? Yes, bro, I am very serious. Good luck to you, we had over ten thousand applicants, if you made it this far you did well. We have to get this down to one somehow. Everyone else, we’ll be starting in less than five minutes, I’ll call you in randomly. I don’t think this group is capable of forming a line. That’s just the way we like it.
*
I hope you’re feeling better now grandpa, Stevie said. I’m sorry. I suck.
Sorry about what?
I’m sorry for everything. I’ve been a horrible grandson. I’ve been bad to everyone but I’ve been the worst to you. I have to tell you what I did, I really shouldn’t have done it and I’m sorry. I stole your prostate medication and replaced it with Advil so you wouldn’t notice. I’ve been doing it for a while now.
Goddamnit, I knew it. I knew it Mary, didn’t I tell you? I knew it. I said, Mary, these pills are useless, I can’t piss a drop, but my knees feel great. Didn’t I tell you that?
He did. He said, I swear these are the wrong pills, that pinhead pharmacist doesn’t know his head from his ass. Too busy guarding the Sudafed like an asshole. Your grandpa really hates that pharmacist. Oh, god, honey. Why in the heck would you take grandpa’s medication?
I wanted to get high. Really high. I kept trying but I don’t think it worked.
I don’t know where you got that idea, Phil said. It’s for your prostate, not your head. Mary grabbed Stevie’s hand and squeezed. That’s a rotten thing to do to your grandpa, Stevie. You got no idea what it’s like to be old. You think it’s tough now.
I know. I’ll regret it forever.
Ah, Phil said. I suppose I can’t be too mad at you, lying there like that. But don’t do anything like that ever again.
I won’t.
You’ll be out of here soon, sweetie. They said it should only be a day or two. Yeah, it’s all good. I’m good as long as grandpa is good.
I’m fine, Stevie. It wasn’t so bad to begin with, I’ll manage.
I heard it makes your hair grow in, Stevie said. Is that so? Yeah, grandma. Phil’s gonna look like John Kennedy pretty soon. Phil grunted. He’s gonna have to take it for a looooong time, honey. He’s got a long way to go.
Fuck you, cunt.
Well jeez. That’s not very nice.
You look cool, grandpa. You look badass, honestly.
I don’t feel badass, Phil said. You grow any hair while you took it, Stevie? No. I didn’t know it did anything like that.
Just a rockstar teen trying to get high, Mary said. A tale as old as time. Next time you get any dumb ideas in your head, I want you to think of how much I love you. OK, Stevie? OK, grandma. I love you too.