WE OONT SEE THE SUN UP THERE, BUD. SHITS GREYER THAN GEORGE WASHINGTON
MAY 29, 2022
It’s not gonna be enough, Stevie said. It’s not gonna be enough. Gotta go harder, I just gotta go harder. Only way out is forward. He breathed in and out sharply through his nose, the rhythm of it calming him down, peeling him back from being stuck. Forward. Breathe. Forward. Breathe.
Stevie honey, what’s going on in there? Sounds like a Lamaze class. Are you on the phone with someone? No, yes, yes. Just finishing up. Are you ready? No, not yet. I will be in a few minutes.
OK honey, but it better actually be a few. Stevie Standard Time has been something else recently. You always look so good, do you really need that much time to get ready? I think I do grandma. Who knows if the paparazzi will be there? I can’t be on TMZ looking bad.
I don’t think the paparazzi will find you in Tito and Mel’s backyard honey. And you would look cute no matter what!
She left and Stevie went through his daily routine, as quickly as he could. The medicine, the equipment, the exercises. It took a while, no matter what. You couldn’t rush some things. He was just beginning his long ascent back to the top, and you had to make sure your rations were fully provisioned, your oxygen tanks were full, your tent didn’t have any rips in it. It was tough, tedious business and only a few people like him were equipped for it.
They drove the Silverado over and got there in five minutes, an hour late. Tito greeted them out front. Mary, another QVC movie or what? Mary laughed. Believe it or not, Tito, it wasn’t me this time. She pointed at Stevie discreetly as he helped unpack the car. No doubt in my mind, Tito said. But hey, that’s why he’s famous and I’m a regular old chump, right?
Fellas, let me help with that. Stevie, good to see you, give me a hug, bub. You look great, son. Like a million bucks. The boys are up there with their cousin, Hank. This kid’s a trip, just like you. If you got your little camera, you might be able to make some magic. Just tell the boys I’m coming up there in twenty minutes, alright? It’s too nice to be inside. Will do, Tito.
The first thing Stevie saw as he reached the landing was the brim of a ten gallon cowboy hat. Howdy, Hank said. Sure pleased to meet ya. What’s up man, nice to meet you too.
Kid, this is Hank, our cousin from upstate New York. Adirondacks LEGEND kid. Cool, Stevie said. Is that your truck out front?
Sure is, pardner. Drove down m’self, that right there is my baby.
That’s the biggest set of truck nuts I’ve ever seen, Stevie said. They done made a replica of mine, right down to the durn vein. You know what they say, Hank said. Everything’s bigger in Warren County, New York. Do they?
Kid, Hank says he saw Jimmer Fredette the other day. You know the name? I think so. He played basketball, right? Back in the day. Yeah, back in the day. Guy was back in Hank’s town, he’s from there. Hank sprayed him and his family with rocks as they were walking on the side of the road. Iaont give a FUCK, Hank said. Hit his infant daughter in the damn SKULL.
Bro, that’s honestly pretty fucked up to even joke about. Why would you say that?
Can’t abide by a filthy Communist in-FECTIN our town. Git the hell back to China, Ximmer! What?
Jimmer’s on the Shanghai Sharks now, Chet said. They offered him a contract in the NBA, guy just likes China better. Fucking sad. Hitting the indica pen fresh out the Chinese factory and just clanking free throws kid.
Fuckin sumbitch. Hank spit into a Solo cup. Still ain’t got over him losing the title game in 06. I was just a babe, ten years old. Like a damn butterfly. Not even a butterfly, a caterpillar. I done bet all my college money on em winning the state title. I coulda been a durn astro-naut if he made a few.
That’s fucked, kid. He basically robbed you. He sure did. And now he’s in China, burning an American flag before every game. Makes me wanna damn PUKE.
Is this like a bit? I don’t get it. Where’s Timmy?
He went to get more dip. We’re going Blake Shelton in here. I call dibs on the bathroom kid, that peach dip’s got me seeing stars. Stevie, you’re more’n welcome to take a few, Hank said.
Are you really from upstate New York, Hank?
Sure as shit am. You think it’s all fancy libruls in their hybrid sedans, sipping cara-mel mocha lattes from Starbucks? Where I’m from’s like the south. Cept cold as shit. I could ride a snowmobile in damn July.
Hanks got two hundred thousand subscribers on Rumble, Chet said.
Sure do. They call me the Liberal Hunter. That’s his channel name Stevie, Chet said. The Liberal Hunter. Oh look, Hank said. There’s one. He leveled an imaginary rifle at Stevie, cocked it, then shot. BOOM. Blood is red, course. Just as I ‘spected.
Let’s all get a photo together, kid. Real across the aisle shit. Stevie’s made all those political videos, The Liberal Hunter had that shooting competition with Donald Trump Junior. Together, I think they could heal this country. I sure think that sounds nice, Chet. Real nice.
I don’t think so, Stevie said. Aw come on there, pardner. Don’t be fraid of me. Long as you’re a freedom loving kinda guy we can get along just fine. I don’t care if you’re a Communist bleedin red, it’s a free country. Any imbecile can have any idea they want, no matter how shit stupid it is. That’s what I say. I’ll even forgive ya for the SALT tax thing, Chet done told me all about it. Know what SALT stands for in my world? Stevie. Always. Licks. Taints.
Bro, this is mad unpleasant. How old are you? That dip got your skin looking like leather.
I tol’ ya, Chet. I knew Stevie couldn’t hang. He hates good, godfearing, bible-loving Americans like me.
Bro, I just feel like I’m being trolled or something. I’m not like really political, I’m a normal kid.
Pardner, so am I. Maybe not a kid no more, but I’m a normal man. Just wanna go Liberal Huntin till this country bleeds the right color again, mmmhmmm.
Hey, look over there, Chet said. He pointed to the corner, where the red light of a camera was blinking. No, Stevie said. You wouldn’t.
Post the video? No, I wouldn’t. They’d just slander my good friend Hank and clip it in your favor. But maybe take a screenshot of you and the Liberal Hunter, show the world Stevie isn’t really down with the cause? That he’s meeting with conservatives in private, saying the opposite of what he does in public? Now that right there, me n’ Hank might be ‘greeable to.
Mmmhmmm, Hank said. We sure would. What should I care if people knew we met? The Liberal Hunter loves errrrrdamnbody. He hawked into his Solo Cup, then cocked his imaginary gun. He shot both Stevie and Chet. See kid, he does it out of love. Somebody gets it, Hank said.
Delete it, Stevie said. Delete that now.
Fucking fat chance kid, come on. You can’t go tit for tit kid? Double D for double D? It’s only fair.
It’s not fair, you’re just slandering me. GIVE IT TO ME CHET.
Lower your damn voice, sonny. This ain’t a damn ‘nasium. Chet, Stevie said. I’m fucking serious, GIVE IT TO ME. You’re gonna blow it for all of us.
All of us? You don’t even follow me, Stevie. What do you mean, us?
Chet, I’m not fucking around. GIVE IT TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Stevie lunged for the camera but Chet boxed him out. Hank stood up and he was taller than Stevie expected. The brim of his hat blocked all the light in the room.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Stevie, but we got the keys. It’s over for ya, sonny. You’re on the good guys team now. Get ready to say life starts at conception, keeeeedddddd. Stevie ran out of the room, leaving the barbecue almost as soon as it started. They heard the front door slam and his footsteps, quick against the sidewalk.
Bro, Hank said. That was mean. I feel bad. And my Southern accent is dogshit. You’re lucky I got the truck nuts and cowboy hat as a gag. I can’t believe he fell for it.
I can, Chet said. Kid’s so far up his own ass, he’s got no idea what’s happening. He dosed me last week, it’s fucked. Holy shit. With acid?
An indica blunt. Oh.
Sounds innocent enough, I know, but I’m literally allergic. He knew that shit, still fucked with me. Fuckin slimeball, kid.
I guess that’s kinda messed up. Sure is, Henry. Are you even from Warren County?
Yeah, I mean, not that close to Jimmer, but I am. My mom and dad own a house on Lake George. On a lake? That’s sick kid. You play any pong up there?
Bro, I would fuckin demolish you, Hank said.