I FINALLY GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT
APRIL 30, 2022
He returns, Timmy said. Sixty days in the desert later. You look good, bro. I’m glad to see you’re still in Jersey. I thought you were gone forever. The kid sprinted out of that room like a bomb was about to drop.
The bomb did drop, bro, Stevie said. They dropped a big bomb on me. Can’t believe it. Manager is still pissed. I’m talking him off the ledge at this point.
What’s he saying? Nothing, bro. Nothing important. Just saying it goes deep, it’s part of a bigger war. He’s trying to get 60 Minutes to retract, like officially. Says we got a good case, but I don’t know. The fuckin body language doctor would think he’s lying. Guy’s sweating like a pig, popping Loritabs like Mentos. Looking like a funeral parlor director with a dark secret.
Mike Fence is CIA kid, I knew it. It’s all heading there. Everything’s tied to everything else, it’s all connected together. Guy’s gonna have a tight end kill the president. Butterfly effect, kid. A Youtube star does a stomp routine in Hollywood and a tight end in East Rutherford learns a new play: 46 KILL.
Fence got fired bro, Timmy said. Like six months ago or something. We talked about it a few times. Your short term memory is straight ass, Chet.
Makes even more sense then, damn, Chet said. This shit might really be true.
Nothing would surprise me anymore, Stevie said. He’s a salty ass teenager, bro, Timmy said. Did a tour of duty in the shit, he’s seen it all.
I’ve seen the biggest stars of a generation have their kneecap shattered like a windowpane. You heard from her? Still nothing. I don’t expect to at this point. She knows it wasn’t my fault. I know she knows that. Bro, it literally wasn’t. I’m innocent as fuck. My manager said he can kinda tell from how her team talks, they know it’s all bullshit. Whoever did it was sending a message, that’s what it was. What message? I have no idea.
Bro, if they’re gonna send a message, don’t you think they want the person they’re sending the message to to know what the message is?
Goddamn, Chet said. And the kid is pressing me? Timmy no speak English, kid. I know, Timmy said. You know what I mean, Stevie.
Yeah, I got it. And you’re not thinking about it right. The message isn’t for me, I’m just the pen they wrote it with.
I’m liking desert Stevie, Timmy said. Kid saw god out there in the sand.
I feel pretty good, bro, for the first time in a while. I’m sorry I missed all your calls. It was a rough time, but I’m finally feeling better. I’m glad to hear that, bro. I meant what I wrote you – they did you dirty and it sucks.
Yeah. It’s all good. I got the juices flowing again. I got a great idea for a video I’m working on. And you’re gonna be the star, Chet.
Kiddddd.
*
This is all a joke, it really is. Bread and circuses, but the bread gives you diabetes and the circus turns your brain to soup. You saw Biden the other day? Who?
Chet, Joe Biden, the president. Those poor godfearing people at that church thought he was speaking in tongues up there, that he really felt the holy spirit. Nope. He wasn’t speaking in tongues, he was giving a speech, guy just can’t speak English anymore.
It’s a friggin joke. I said to myself, Tito, can’t make the same mistake again. Can’t vote for this guy again, he’s a bum. Can’t vote for the other guy, he shafted me on the mini hot dogs at Bedminster. Remember that? Friggin mini hot dogs, what do those cost, ten bucks for a hundred? Hundred bucks a head, hundreds of seats, they should be unlimited. Obviously.
I knew he was a crook, but I felt his crookedness in my soul then. I paid a hundred bucks a seat, two hundred bucks, and they wanted to fine me for eating too many mini hot dogs. They literally wanted to charge me extra, I only ate fifteen. Fuckin nuts. I got framed, they didn’t wanna hear it. I had to hash it out with security. Listen, I’m telling you, it was obscene. A betrayal. You probably heard it through Mel, she wouldna told it right. Love her to death but she’s a rule follower to the core. If they cut her off after five mini hot dogs, she’s gonna roll with it. Me? I was furious. Furious. The principle of the shit. Nickel and diming over mini hot dogs, I mean that’s shameless. Honestly unamerican. You can’t tell me shit about the Democrats after you stiffed me on a fuckin dozen mini hot dogs. God, I’m just disgusted all around. I feel betrayed. Absolutely betrayed. A man without a country. I’m ready to send my vote wherever, write School Sucks on my ballet like Bart Simpson and just be done with it. Maybe I’ll never vote again, I don’t know. 2024, boys, they’re gonna tell you this is the most important election of our lifetime. They’ve been saying this shit since I had hair and I’m telling ya, that was a long time ago. This is the shittiest Games of Thrones you could ever imagine. I just want people to have healthcare and be able to take care of their kids. That’s all anybody wants, but nobody’s gonna do that. It’s like I’m at Drecks and I just want a mixed Italian sub but they’ll only offer me a dogshit salad or a rotten chicken tender.
Tito, you gotta let me know anytime you smoke weed, Stevie said. I need to be there. You get better at talking when you’re high, seriously. We should put you on camera.
Stevie, you’re the best, bub. I appreciate it. I can’t tell you how glad I am to see you again. But no camera for me, but it’s fun with you guys up here. Mel can go to as many girls dinners as she wants.
You ever think about getting high before the dealership? God no. The stakes are too high. I’d forget to fill up someone’s tank or some shit, leave em stranded on the parkway. I like it up here, you guys can talk your shit, I can talk your shit, Christ, I mean, shit. This is great, just hanging out, we’ll grab some food after this, watch some TV. It’s great, it’s really is. I’m honored you boys spend the time with me.
Tito pulled out his phone and squinted at it. Ah, what is this. Oh, shit, you gotta be friggin kidding me, Timmy said. Fuck off, Tim. And this is actually pretty funny. I just got this CNN notification, listen to this. MBS offers one trillion dollars to Spain to buy Alhambra. Christ almighty.
A trillion dollars for a Honda? Fucking retard. Guys been sniffing too much gasoline. Going Dudley Aramco for real kid . That’s Tito prices right there, Timmy said.
I said Alhambra, you numbskulls. And please, I take care of people. Always try to do right by them, that’s why they come back. Not gonna come back if I give them the squeeze. I would never. Except Nick Sirianni. Fuckin prick. That fuckface comes to my dealership I’m gonna sell him a Kia Sorrento for 150k. Gonna take a shit where they keep the hubcap, fuck this bum. Ben Solak? I’ll choke this guy out with my pinkie and thumb. Can’t believe that article. Goddamn slimeball, all the Eagles beats are.
Dad, you’re fantasizing about choking out some random Eagles writer? Guy used to hate Micah Parsons, now he’s on SB Nation growling at the masthead. I don’t know what that means, Tito said. I just hate people writing bullshit, that’s all. But hey, how crazy is that, huh? I swear every time I smoke with you boys, something fun happens. MBS with the trillion dollar bill. If I’m Spain I’m taking that. Place looks nice enough in these photos, but a trillion dollars is a trillion dollars. Is it? True, Timmy, true. Hard to wrap your mind around. How do you even transfer that much money?
Fuck kid, Dudley Rothschild sent the funds to the Kingdom of Sprain on accident. Was the next one down in his computer system. Some idiot’s stupid LLC, he got the money and won’t give it back. They shoulda kept Dudley walking dogs, kid just flushed a trillion down his golden toilet. Now he’s getting ripped apart with a bonesaw.
Boy, Tito said. That poor bastard. Dudley Rothschild? No, Khashoggi. Got tuned up by the Saudi CIA there. I’ve seen a hundred things on the news about it but I’ve never really thought about it. I see why you guys like this stuff, it blows my mind thinking about it now. Can’t believe that really happened. In the embassy in Turkey or some shit? Holy hell. Poor guy. Be careful, Stevie. Just keep your wits about you, all of yas. And this dumbass book guy better take out that MBS line if he wants to keep his arms and legs, I’m telling ya.
It’s a dark world, Tito. Last time everyone smoked, I think we all agreed on that. We did, we did. And look whats happened since then, they had Leslie Stahl doing a modern day witch hunt. I said Mel, I can’t believe this shit, they deepstated our son so bad. She was like, I know he did nothing wrong, but honey, wow. Something doesn’t add up. Don’t take it personal, Stevie. You either believe in the news or you don’t. But they know that, of course they do. That’s why they pinned it all on you. Fucking sickening. I still can’t believe it.
I can’t believe the shit you told us about the Giants, Stevie said. That shit was so crazy. I felt high as fuck, hearing that. I tried to find out more online but there’s not much there.
Oh sure, sure. They keep it all very hush hush. A lot of the best posters got their accounts nuked to smithereens, there’s no record left. But I still think it’s true, and more. We won’t know the whole story until 2030, at least.
RIP Fence, kid. Deep state warrior got his throat cut by the Mara crime family.
Yeah, maybe, Tito said. They were definitely meddling, I know that for a fact. But Fence, he wasn’t ready either. He played in his own part in this mess. I’ll admit it now, I poured too much of myself into the idea of him. He looked the part but he needs more seasoning. He shoulda gone to Missouri State, he got offered that and looking back, that was the right play. But I get it, you can’t turn down a chance to coach the Giants.
I like the new guy, Stevie said. He was good with Buffalo. Yeah, yeah, we’ll see, Tito said. Nice enough guy. Likes to grill, drew up some good stuff for Josh Allen. We’ll see. I’ll be honest, I’m not as locked in as I was. Haven’t been on the forum much lately. Read about the guys we drafted, a little OTA stuff, but just not grinding day after day like I was. I mean, what did I have to show for it? An early grave, that’s it. He made the sign of the cross. It’s too much stress, over nothing. Nothing. I’m sure I’ll get up for it when the season starts, but I can’t stomach another year of camp reports, I just can’t. They gotta win a few before I let myself run wild again.
They broke him, Timmy said. They did, Tim, they did. Christ, it’s been a bad run. Yeah.
We getting Drecks or what, kid. Stevie promised me he’s going hard tonight. I’m going hard, Stevie said. Two words: French. Fries. French fries? French. Fries. Holy shit. I saw a jug of grapeseed oil back there by the fryers, Stevie. You sure about this?
Fuck it. Let’s ball. Holy shit, Tito said. They tried to kill him, but he’s back. He’s BACK. Here, let me go grab the menu. Stevie, I want you fold that shit out, soak it all in, alright? You can order as much crap as you want. Tito stomped downstairs.
Kid, this is a holy day. The menu is finally open. They tore down that wall, Timmy said.
I’m ready for the world again, Stevie said. And Chet, I told you, I got a sick idea for a video. Film it next weekend? Kid. Let’s fucking GO.