DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DO
February 18, 2022
Kid, they had to remove Ellen’s leg and reattach it but they did it backwards. She walks like a fuckin crab now.
Stop bro, stop, Stevie said. Don’t fuck with me, this is so bad. I keep asking about her but they won’t tell me anything. Bro, she’s gonna be fine, Timmy said. It’s just a kneecap.
Yeah, it’s just a kneecap, she’ll only have arthritis for the rest of her life, Stevie said. Bro, I’m just saying. It’s not like she’s braindead.
Kid, I’m sorry. Chet pretended to be frowning over some lab results. Just got the CAT scan back. See that? A nerve shorted out, just went bad. Rotted all the way up to her brain. Made her go DUDLEY kid. Doctors said they’ve never seen anything like it. Walking around like a crab, but she can’t talk. Speech part of the brain just destroyed. Weirdest part? She can still sing. Loves old musicals. Sings em all day long. Crabwalking onto the Burbank lot like do re mi fa so la ti do, do re mi fa so la ti doooooo.
Chet arched his arms behind his head and walked on all fours backwards, with his chest facing up. Do re mi fa so la ti do, do re mi fa so la ti doooooo. Can’t get her to read the teleprompter, assistants just trying to get her coffee order kid, do re mi fa so la ti dooooooooo. That’s why her show got cancelled.
Bro, that’s not even a crabwalk, Stevie said. Her brain is ROTTED kid, she doesn’t even know what a crab is anymore.
This is so fucked up, so fucked up. What a fuckin nightmare. I really fucked up saying Ludacris died. What a fuckin dumbass idiot move that was. I was just trying to be funny, I thought it was kinda funny, kinda random, I don’t know. I was on tilt I guess. Fully on tilt. Went all in on two seven and fucking killed my career. I really shoulda thought about it for two seconds. So fucking dumb. I didn’t know who those guys were, it’s bad. Really bad. Manager is livid. Couldn’t have turned out worse. I literally gotta go on The View to apologize. I swear to god, I’m not kidding. The apology I posted wasn’t enough. I’m actually going on The View. Joy Behar’s about to nail me to the wall, no question.
Kid’s about to take some SERIOUS accusations to the dome. You gotta go in there swinging kid, fight fire with fire. Just tear these old ladies down, don’t give an inch. Joy, streets are saying you killed your ex-husband? Where’s the body, Joy? Where’s the body?
Bro, that’s psycho. I already said Ludacris got killed by the Slimecopter, now I’m just accusing old ladies of murder? Yeah, don’t listen to Chet on this one, Timmy said. If it was him on The View he’d like, pull Whoopie Goldberg’s chair out from underneath her or something. Just do something unfathomably retarded.
I’m just saying, you gotta fight back, Chet said. You gotta fight back or they’ll kill you. You’re going up against Goro, you might fall all the way down that Mortal Kombat pyramid. Gonna be doing advertising for Drecks in exchange for free salad. Getting paid in DrecksBux kid. Getting that Drecks company scrip.
I’ll be fine. The team’s gonna coach me, I’m seeing them tomorrow in the city. Deep State Network? Yeah, I wanted to talk about that, Timmy said. I don’t know who’s running this MCN you’re on now but the apology video is bad, bro. Like, legit terrible.
Awful, kid. We were wondering exactly what the SALT tax has to do with Ellen getting rocked.
It’s complicated bro, but they said I should put that in there. Tie the SALT thing into giving families more money to deal with healthcare. Ummmm. It was literally one line, Chet. So was Ludacris got killed by the Slimecopter, Chet said. Whatever man.
Kid, you just gotta stop talking about shit like the SALT tax. Fight back, bro. I can tell exactly where these freaks put their shitty little fingerprints. They don’t know their head from their ass kid. You had so much juice, the comeup was crazy. The Stevie Teamsters looked at you like Che Grenada. It’s not even Stevie Teamsters anymore, they’re all gone. Graduated middle school and never looked back. Only people left is the Stevie Tedophiles.
Bro, fuck off, please stop calling them Stevie Tedophiles, I already told you. I’m just saying. Top 16 Boys Under 16? That was the moment I knew shit was bigly sus. Borderline criminal. Steve Forbes is pissed, kid. At least, I hope he is.
Bro, you’re out of your fuckin mind, Stevie said. Yeah Chet, you gotta chill bro, Timmy said. I mean, I agree with literally everything you said, but don’t hit him with this all at once. I don’t think Stevie has even seen your tweet yet. What?
Chet pulled it up, his face shining. Stevie, I can’t lie, you might not like this one. But you can’t deny I went OFF, kid. It was a photo of the Kids Choice Awards from the balcony. Ellen was sprawled out in the aisle, surrounded by dozens of medical and professional personnel. The caption read, Ellen Degenerate got SMOKED kidddddd.
You called her Degenerate? You gotta delete that, like immediately bro. Immediately. I’m barely afloat bro, they pull that up I’m fucking FINISHED. Literally gonna be begging for Drecks salad. It’s that serious bro, my career is on the line.
Just unfollow me kid, and pretend you didn’t see that. No WAY am I deleting that. I can’t delete my finest work yet, I just can’t. I just got my account working again, they had me banished for so long. All because I said Billie Eilish was actually 32 years old and Interscope had her birth certificate doctored. Fucking sad.
I can’t believe shit turned out this way, Stevie said. Can’t fuckin believe it. He put his head down at Timmy’s desk. The stupid TeenMagazine.com curse is real.
Wait, Timmy said, is that a thing? Like the Madden curse? Stevie said yes but nothing more, his face disappeared into the cave made by his arms. Timmy grabbed his computer from the desk and went to his bed. There’s no way bro, I don’t believe it. Deep State Network is just trying to get Stevie to capitulate, making this shit up.
Bro, it’s got nothing do with them, Stevie said. The TeenMagazine.com curse is fucking real. I know better than anyone. Holy shit, Timmy said. Stevie’s not lying, it’s like actually real. There’s like, listicles on this shit. Kid, what?
May 2012, Lee-amber Ray hit by a truck and killed, South Beach, Miami, two months after being featured. July 2013, Bryce Pierce dies of a viral infection, a year after being featured. February 2015, Aurora Daniels makes a racist tweet about a McDonalds cashier, is dropped from her label. That doesn’t count, but this next one is crazy. November 2015, Callum Rhoades, decapitated by a dislodged tire at a small racetrack in Kentucky. Holy fuck, Chet said. The kid got Rip Van Winkled bigly.
April 2016, Tiffany von Trier mauled by a lion at the Atlanta Zoo. June 2017, Miles Mohannon severely injured by a discus at a college track meet. January 2018, Maxey B robbed and beaten while on Instagram live. April 2018, Cardinal Wilson paralyzed in car crash. Jesus Christ dude, Stevie has like a twenty percent chance of dying. How did I not know about this. Stevie raised his head off the desk. The beast gets hungrier the more it eats. TeenMagazine.com 2022, we’re all gonna die.
Bro, be careful out there, I’m honestly a little shook, Timmy said. Some Final Destination shit kid. Stevie jumped out the way and Ellen got that TeenMagazine.com curse. It’s true, Chet, but that won’t satisfy it. It never stops coming. No matter what you do. It’s working on Stevie right now, look at this. Bro, how itchy is your scalp? You’ve scratched it like fifty times now. TeenMagazine.com ants in the brain kid, just gonna drive him mad. The curse is always working, always trying to sneak in, always hunting for the next teen to annihilate. Fuck you guys. Stevie headed home.