BLAKE SHELTON JUST SLIMECOPTERED HIMSELF SO BAD OFF THE TRIPLE PLUG OF CHEW, KID
February 12, 2022
Chet had two pens taped to his legs. Put it up your ass, Timmy said. There’s no chance of them finding it there.
Imagine if it cracked in my ass kid. Just get that megadose, gonna be crawling up the aisle. Just begging Blake Shelton for a cup of water. Sir, please sir. Dude, you are the best, Timmy said. Just imagining getting dosed and thinking its gonna make you crawl onto the stage. Where else would I crawl kid?
Stevie, you doing alright over there? Bro, you bigly overdid it with the hair gel. Shit looks like a fuckin old video game bro, like some PS3 shit. I know, I know, Stevie said. They just want it this way I guess. Kid, you can’t be serious. The makeup person said they want it to look like that? You look insane, like you’re turning into a Sim from the top down.
I don’t know man, they said this year has that theme. What?
Stevie pretended he needed to use the bathroom and locked himself in there. He looked in the mirror and knew it was bad. He’d sprayed more than half of a thirty day supply of hair building fiber onto his vertex, and he could feel the weight of it when he moved. It felt like he was wearing a helmet, a golden blonde helmet like some ancient warrior.
He walked back out and put a hat on as casually as he could. This is just ridiculous. Wearing a hat to an awards show kid? They’re gonna pan the crowd, all these celeb dimepieces, then just Stevie in a crusty Yankees hat in the fifth row. Just leering kid. He’s gonna hiss like a cat.
Can you guys fuck off? I know I fucked it up, but you’re not helping. I need good vibes. You guys don’t even know what I have to do down there. I’ve been keeping it a secret.
He’s gotta literally kiss Blake Shelton’s ass kid. Shelton just jacked up off a double plug of chew. Guys asshole just QUAKING with Stevie’s face right there.
Dude, fuck off. For real. Kid, kid, I’m sorry. I’m excited, I went too far. Here, I’ll rip a pen off my leg. Take a few hits, get in the zone.
Bro, Stevie said. I just get high as hell, are you serious? I’d be doing exactly what you guys are saying I would do. I’m literally gonna growl at the cameraman, bro. They’re just gonna see me growl and then run down the aisle. Find me in a broom closet, tail tucked. Going full traumatized Maltese. There he is, Timmy said. That’s the Stevie I know. He’s still in there, somewhere, Stevie said.
Kid, what secret shit do you gotta do down there. A pen was ripped off Chet’s leg and he was flush with the window. He tried opening it, pulling at it, pushing at it, working at its four corners. It didn’t budge, so he just blew vapor against the glass.
You’re like the last person I want to tell. Come on, Chet said. I’m just trying to keep the vibe normal. You need me constantly second guessing every aspect of your life. I guess, Stevie said. Aw, come on kid.
Alright, alright. I’ll tell you. It is funny, I admit. It’s gonna be nuts. I’m doing a stomp routine with Ellen. Like, the Riverdance? Yeah, something like that. For anti-bullying. Stomp out bullying. They’re gonna have someone get bullied and then me and Ellen step in. It’s kinda fucked up, the kid doesn’t even know. His parents signed a waiver, he’s got no idea what’s coming. They want it that way so it seems more real. Kinda seems like it defeats the purpose, but what I do know. Yeah, they just terrorize this kid and then we come to the rescue. I tell the bully, hey buddy, take a hike. Me and Ellen are taking this kid to Disneyworld. Then I say, but first, it’s time to STOMP OUT BULLYING! And me and Ellen do a stomp routine.
Did you practice? Yeah, a lot bro. It’s a whole thing. Vapor was circling around the room and the pen’s battery was chirping. Wowwwww, kid. You definitely are gonna win though, Timmy said. If they’re having you do all that.
You didn’t even hear the best part, Stevie said. He nodded his head up and down proudly. Two words. Matching. Outfits. Kid. MATCHING OUTFITS? Matching. Outfits, Stevie said again.
Chet coughed on the pen. You got it here? They got it for me at the hair and makeup place. White tee shirt with sequins, I’m wearing it underneath my suit coat. Holy fuck, Timmy said. I know, you guys are gonna shit yourself when you see this. I can’t wait, Chet said. Lowkey, I’m mad proud of you.
What the hell is going on in here. How did you get in? What do you mean, I’m your mother. We got a key for your room too. What the hell is going on? What do you mean? We’re not doing anything, we’re all just getting ready. Aren’t we leaving soon?
No, this one. She pointed at Chet, who was pretending to stare out the window. The frigging dope’s got one of his pens taped to his leg, look at em, Tito said. Chet, were you trying to smuggle this in? God, please give me the strength to deal with my idiot son. Chet was still silent, pretending to be very interested in what was happening outside, in the courtyard of the hotel. You think we can’t see you or what? Get your head out of your ass, son.
Five seconds elapsed and he coughed suddenly. Vapor emanated out into the room. Tito groaned but seemed to get less mad somehow. What a goddamn dunce, he said softly. Truly. Kiddddd.
We don’t have much time now, Mel said. We gotta leave here in five minutes. I shoulda known the traffic would be this bad. Chet, I’m done caring, but please take that thing off your leg. Your mom’s right, get your head on straight, son. Don’t ruin Stevie’s big night.
Stevie, honey, Mel said, what are you doing, take off the hat. You don’t want the hair and makeup people to be too miserable. Stevie obliged slowly, the speed of it giving it weight, like he was opening a briefcase full of money.
What the hell happened. You could play football with your hair like that. Mike Fence likes his players to make their hair into a helmet underneath their real helmet. Some real galaxy brain shit, Timmy said.
Kiss my ass, Tim. Listen, the three of yas, we gotta leave now. They’re gonna kill you, Stevie. Was this some kind of joke?
I tried to do my own hair, it just didn’t work out. Yeah, I can see that, Tito said. I think Chet’s rubbing off on ya, bub. You look like crap, let’s hope they can clean you up. All of ya, clothes on now, right now.
Chet grabbed his dress pants, with Tito watching closely and Mel waiting at the door, her long nails clicking against the wood. Pen off, pen off, pants on. You got ten seconds to get it figured out or I’m hoisting you into them.
Alright, alright. Chet did the first part but then got tangled in a pantleg and fell backwards onto the bed. That’s it, that’s IT. Tito went to grab him but Chet rolled away and off the bed, finally getting his pants back on in the crevice between the beds.
Alright, let’s go, go, go. Mel, Stevie, and Timmy waited in the hallway while Tito worked on Chet’s necktie. Kid, I’m getting autoerotic asphaltsiated out here, chill dad. Getting lowkey David Carradined in here.
Well stop fidgeting, will ya? Makes it even harder. Christ, I tried to teach you three times already. It’s hard doing it for another person, here, turn around. Dad, you got the touch of a gorilla, you’re literally choking me out kid. You’re about two seconds from me slapping a bowtie on, son. Knock it off.
Mel kissed Stevie on the forehead. Honey, you’re gonna do great. Don’t take it personal when the hair and makeup people give you attitude, alright? This is a big night for you, don’t let anyone bring you down.
Tito and Chet finally joined them and they shut the hotel door. Yeah, son, this is like the Super Bowl for a kid like you. I know you got an Eli performance in ya. I know that in my heart. Love ya, kid. I love all of you too. Here goes nothing, right?