YOU SURE I’M GONNA BE ALRIGHT WITH THIS?
JANUARY 24, 2022
You sure I’m gonna be alright with this? It’s been a few years, I’m a beer guy, always have been. You’re gonna be fine, Chet said. This is a little weaker than what we usually get.
Alright, alright. I’ll sit for a while. I’ve wanted to try again for a minute now. This is real weed, right? Uh, yeah?
Good, good. I only ask cause a while back I hit Chet’s vape before dinner. Yeah, Tim, I never told you that. Caught him smoking before dinner and thought I’d see what kind of water he was swimming in. Christ. I barely pulled through. That was harrowing. Went to war in my own mind. Just tried to keep my head down, ate a pound of broccoli so I didn’t have to talk.
I remember the broccoli night, Timmy said. I couldn’t believe mom even cooked that much broccoli, and you ate it all. Hey, I felt lucky I knew how to chew. This crap here couldn’t be any worse than that was, I’ll tell ya.
Stevie, you’re a little young for this, aren’t ya? He doesn’t smoke, Chet said. And we don’t make him. Good, good. God Stevie, you’re a trip. You knew what you wanted the day you showed up here, you stuck to it and now look at you. I couldn’t be prouder. Kid’s going straight to the top, I swear. Getting in good with Ellen? That’s coming up soon, isn’t it? Yeah, next month. Excellent. Kid’s gonna be a kingpin. He rubbed Stevie’s back. Don’t forget us, huh pal?
Never, Tito. Never. And we’ll see, Stevie said. Things are going good, but it’s a dirty world out there. Of course it is, Stevie. It’s a rigged game, just do your best. See, this is why I love this kid, he’s sharp, boys. He sees shit. It took me a lot longer to realize this crap. A lot longer. Shit that I’m hearing now would blow your friggin mind.
Should we go outside to smoke? Nah, nah, Mel won’t be home for a while, just open the window a crack. It’s too cold, plus if Chuck in the back sees us smoking, he’s gonna say something, he always has some bullshit. Reminds me of a funny story about Chet, when he was a baby.
Ah boy, that’s a thick joint you got there. A blunt, dad. Joints are for people with ponytails, dumb shit like that. God I hate a ponytail son, we got that in common. Boy, that stuff stinks. Smells like someone took a dump in a bag of oranges. We smoking cat piss, ya heard.
Tim, you’re all quiet over there. Just waiting to hear this crazy shit that’s gonna blow my friggin mind, that’s all. Yeah, me too, Stevie said.
Chet started the blunt while Timmy lit the incense. Here, dad. Oh lord. He pulled at the blunt and Stevie watched its cherry swell. Jesus Christ, what a hit. Tito’s lungs are like beach balls, bro.
I smoked a pack a day for seven years, these lungs got no speed bumps. He took another hit, audibly sucking at its stem. Feels good, though. He got up and peered through the blinds. I’ll tell ya, if Mel came home right now she’d have us all by the ear, like an octopus. Eight arms on four sets of ears. We’d send Stevie out to talk to her, Timmy said. God, yeah, of course. I’d be hiding in the bunk bed, pretending I’m a friggin body pillow.
Hey, what do you guys usually do up here? I got no sense of smell, I mean I can smell that but I don’t got a strong sense. Mel’s like a friggin bloodhound. That’s why we burn incense, Timmy said. Sometimes smoke through dryer sheets, but I don’t know. It kinda sucks.
Dryer sheets, not a bad idea. If I end up liking this I’ll keep that in mind. Again? Alright, last one for me. I can only take a few. Damn, dad’s like a steam engine, bro. Just blowing smoke like a goddamn volcano. What an ox. Class of ninety baby, Tito said. Smoke was still coming out of his mouth. Damn dad, you’re gonna be high as hell.
I thought you said this was weaker than usual? It is, but you’re taking massive hits. Damn, Christ, shit. I’m sweating. Take it easy, Timmy said. We’re having fun. I guess we are, I’m feeling like a nutcase though. I’m tingling all over, I can feel everything right now. Didn’t hit me till that last one. God, that stung me. I feel my blood moving, my heart. It’s gonna be alright, Stevie said. Lots of people say the first fifteen minutes are the hardest part.
Kid, the hardest part? The only time I feel alive. Yeah, but Tito doesn’t smoke. He just needs a minute. What’s wrong with this picture, getting talked off the ledge by a fifteen year old. Sixteen. Right, right. Get it together, Tito. Dad, come on, what is this crazy shit, you’re really building suspense here.
Dad’s gay, kid. He’s announcing it today, I read his diary. Big gay dad’s big gay news. That’s pretty good, Tito said, and he laughed till he slapped his leg. Yeah kids, listen up, old Tito’s got an announcement to make. I got railed out in the back of a Kia Stinger on the showroom floor. You thought it was a new car smell? Aw man, that’s funny stuff.
I think you’re just high, Timmy said. Aw come on Tim, Stevie thought it was funny, too. I did. Could Tito even fit in a Kia Stinger? I’m just imagining him stuffed in there like oversized luggage, it’s ridiculous. Hilarious. Don’t be a buzzkill, Timmy.
Yeah, seriously, Tim. Stevie nailed it, you brought me down a little. Boy, I’m seeing in 3D right now. The colors are so fresh, it’s like a movie screen everywhere I look. Dad is the best person ever to have in the blunt rotation, Chet said. This is dope. That means a lot to me, son, thank you. I guess I should tell my crazy story. Timmy’s foaming at the mouth over here. Yes, yes, Timmy said. I’m sorry I was rude, I just really wanted to hear this. No worries, alright, alright.
So you know I got my Giants community online, Big Blue Forum. Good group of guys, all walks of life type thing. There’s a lot of people there, buncha diehards like me, some guys with football experience, few guys who can break down tape pretty good. You actually get some solid information there. Even during the offseason, some of these guys will be breaking stuff down, showing you things to look for. This one guy, Crossfit maniac, real alpha and he’s a hell of a guy. Never heard someone break down prospects so well. He’s a hidden gem, the whole place is. And it’s pretty plugged in, so you get some guys who hear things. From inside, from headquarters. Especially now, since they’re complete dogshit, I’m sure the buildings on fire and you actually get some people inside who talk. Asshats, we call them asshats. It’s a joke because to be an asshat, you actually gotta know what’s going on a little. Us diehards can smell bullshit a mile away.
So anyway, the record starts going the wrong way, if you’re on there every day you start to hear some things. At first it was little shit, like Brodeur didn’t know what a Cover 3 is. Maybe only means anything to me here, but the guy is running the Giants, it’s friggin crazy. It’s a base defense for a lot of these teams, he’s asking Fence why he doesn’t cover more than three receivers. This dumb fuck is asking Fence like, ever hear of empty sets? Like it never occurred to Fence that you gotta cover everyone who runs a route. This is the shit Fence is dealing with, I’m telling ya. No, no, I know what a Cover 3 is, Timmy said. That’s crazy. Yeah, it’s tragic. But it gets worse than that. Much, much worse.
Team keeps losing, we were dead before the bye, again. Start seeing more and more chinks in the armor as the losses pile up. Brodeur falls asleep in the meetings. You can smell the alcohol on his breath. Chris Mara, the rat that he is, sabotaged Fence’s headset before a game. Just dysfunctional shit, fucking breaks me up inside, sorry for the language. God, it just kills me though. Buncha assholes pretending to be men. You know they ran two QB sneaks in the same game, in the same series, on second and nine, and again on third and nine. Everyone was like, Fence is a fucking retard, this and that, a pussy who’s scared to lose. This asshat on the Forum, a good guy who’s had some good info before, he says, nah, it wasn’t Fence, the Maras found out the backup running back was three yards away from an incentive, they got him out the game, he never went back in again. They never expected Saquon to get hurt, gave some bullshit incentive to the backup, freaked out and pulled out all the stops. They’re that cheap. They ratfucked this kid outta fifty grand. That’s all it was, fifty grand.
Why didn’t they just throw it, or use the third stringer? You know, Timmy, I spent a lot of time asking myself that same question. QB was from the scout team, everyone else got blown to smithereens, but still. You’re telling me he can’t throw a screen? Fence actually was a pussy, I think is the answer. Controlled opposition, ya know? This is just the tip of the iceberg, I’m setting the table right now. This isn’t even the shit that’ll blow your mind.
Alright, we’re going deep here, pass me the joint. Blunt, blunt, I mean, light it up for me, will ya? Thank you, thank you. Tito took a hit, paused for a moment and then lowered to a whisper, in a valley below the smoke. Listen up, because this is crazy shit. I swear on my mother, one of the best asshats there is says it’s true. They’re running a shadow agency within the Giants organization. It’s like a ghost team, some CIA shit. They got sheepdipped people in there pretending to be groundskeepers and janitors - shit like that. It’s actually people on the Mara payroll, gathering intelligence, keeping tabs on the players and on the scouting department. Total psychological warfare. These janitors came up at Quantico, Chet, I’m serious, it’s crazy. Couldn’t believe it till the best asshat confirmed it. This guy is as solid as they come, he swears by it. These guys keep their hygiene like bums so no one picks up on it. Walking around in rags, changing first round picks, you don’t know who is handing the envelope to Goodell. It’s so fucked, it really is. You think Fence really wanted Kingsley Charles? The guy is a pussy but not a retard. And this isn’t even the first time they’ve drafted someone in the first round who can’t see out of one eye. How fucking FUCKED UP is that. It’s unreal, fuckin unreal. He’s blind? Apparently. I don’t know about blind, maybe he can see a little, can tell if it’s light or dark out. He’s not finding the quarterback, I’ll tell you that much.
So what’s gonna happen? I’m not sure, Stevie. I asked the same question, the asshats don’t know either. Lotta shit hanging in the balance. Fence is out, there’s a real vacuum of power. Should be interesting. It’s a dirty game in there at One Giants Way. If I had to guess, the factions are aligning. Tisch is doing some stuff behind the scenes, very covert. Not much smoke at all. He knows about the whole deal, I know he does, but there’s not much he can do. Mara’s got the fiftyone percent, and the money’s not on the official books, it’s out of the guy’s own pocket. What’s he gonna do? The best he can do, I guess. Get his own guys in there, give them room to operate, their own space. Another shadow agency inside the Giants, a competing shadow agency. I told ya, it’s all out psychological warfare. Unbelievable shit, it’s so screwed up I can’t even think about it. I didn’t even get into the doctor. So called doctor, this guy Patel is a real slimeball. Telling Saquon it’s his quad, it’s actually his hamstring. Trying to put the wrong leg in the hyperbaric sleeve. Real fuckin slimy shit. Had Kingsley Charles writhing around like a friggin voodoo doll. Who knows if he was even blind when we got him, guy sliced his eyeball with a stethoscope maybe. Been hearing the guy was mentored by Jolly West, that’s how deep this shit is. He’s got Kingsley Charles thinking he’s playing field hockey or some shit.
I thought Fence was gonna be strong enough to turn it around, Timmy said. Boy, I thought so too. But the foundation is the problem, not the decorations. I like you’re metaphors when you’re high, Stevie said. I guess I am talking pretty good right now. Yo, what was the story about Chet when he was a baby?
Ah, that’s right. Well, Chet was obsessed with beer cans when he was a baby. Anytime he found an empty, he would play with it for an hour. Eventually he learned to mimic me drinking, and he would pretend to drink them, he would even say ahhhh after he drank it, like it was refreshing. It was damn cute, but this birdbrain librarian gave me grief over it and we had to hide the cans after that. I felt too guilty. It all makes sense now, Stevie said. Destined for greatness at an early age, kiddd. He was funny from the beginning, he was. Now, Timmy was a great baby, an angel, honest to God. Chet wouldn’t shut up for the life of him. I’m shocked, Stevie said.
Boy, I’m hungry. Give me your orders, I’ll make a call. You gonna drive down there? No, no, I got laser vision right now. Too chaotic. Here let’s go downstairs, we’ll get everything set up. He slapped them on the back while they flowed out the room. This ain’t half bad, is it? We rats got a few hours before the cat is back. Old Tito’ll teach you a few things. Maybe I should just take charge of Drecks. Chet’s putting a bottle of Russian dressing on the thing, Stevie’s ordering terrible salad after terrible salad. He laughed and slapped Stevie on the back again. Boy that was pathetic stuff, wasn’t it? I won’t let you down today, Stevie said. Kid, you never let me down, Tito said. What a crew you guys are, holy shit.
Kid, every time Stevie gets Drecks he goes so dudley. Even in the post salad days the kid is going apeshit. Asking the guy on the phone, can you not bread my chicken tenders? The guy was like, you mean grilled?
Dudley, dudley, dudley. What is that all about? You know I had a friend named Dudley in high school. Rothschild? No, Dudley Boso, he was the fullback on the football team. Wait, you knew a guy named fuckin DUDLEY BOZO? Boso, Chet, BO-SSSO. Greatest fullback in Mount Vernon history, too. I was right guard, they used to run 22 lead right through me. I’d take out the first guy, Dudley would come through, putting his helmet on linebackers.
Yeah, I fucking bet he would. Dudley the fullback going headfirst. God this guy has CTE so fucking bad now dude. He’s in his car supergluing Tic Tacs to his gums, pretending they’re teeth. DUDLEY BOZO. Timmy, that happens to these guys, it’s serious stuff. Dudley was great, I’d love to see him. Should see what he’s doing on Facebook.
Last I heard he’s down at the junkyard, they got him chained up like a Doberman but he’s wearing a helmet and shoulderpads. Last guy that tried to steal a catalytic converter got speared.
You better show Dudley Bozo some respect or I’ll make ya, kid, Tito said. Let’s get set up down here. Get some snacks out, we’ll get something on TV, get everything ready for Drecks. God boys, we’re in the prime of our life here.