IF YOU HAD TO DESCRIBE THE BACK OF HER HEAD IN ONE WORD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
December 15, 2021
Kid, this guy got balloons for his birthday and he’s FIFTYONE?
You’re looking at it backwards, you dope. It’s fifteen, must be for his daughter. But I’m getting balloons in 2023, that settles it. Christ Chet, your brains are leaking out your ears lately. Mel, he asked my chiropractor if he could prescribe Adderall the other day. Guy was as spooked as could be, turned white as a ghost.
He definitely had some, Chet said. He woulda just said no if he didn’t. I hit him right in the weak spot, pops. He does have some strange vibes, son. Something about him is off. Dad, he’s a chiropractor, Timmy said. Shit is pretty much fake. What’s his name, I wanna look this guy up, Stevie said. Alan Goodermote.
Chet, why do you need Adderall, honey. That’s for kids with real problems.
I just wanted to see what Alan Guatemala had to say. And it was awesome, the guy cracked instantly. Wish I had the Stevie T branded forehead camera there.
Adderall talk? Instant demonetization, Stevie said. Tito, this guy’s bio says Alan Goodermote, FeCi, ALaB, Ba. HS. I can’t find any of these titles on Google. Ba. HS, did the guy put his high school diploma in his title?
Christ, what a weasel. He’s nothing special, anyway. The last guy cracked me like a friggin lobster tail, had me right as rain. Sucks he got indicted for tax fraud. Now I’m stuck with friggin Guatemala.
You should do yoga with me, baby. We could do it Saturday mornings before you head in. I would try that. Makes sense to me, I’m just afraid of ripping ass in front of the whole class. Doing the deadbug and just killing twelve middle age woman. Yeah, Mel said. Maybe we’ll try it at home first.
Kid, dad’s gonna smoke the house out, guaranteed. Come downstairs, just smells like a bum shit on the counter. You gotta do that outside, make sure there’s a breeze.
Which direction is Chuck’s house? Tito laughed. We’ll plan it out. I’m not that bad, am I? Kid, shit is nasty. Alright, alright. Well, all bets are off tonight. Me and this Hibachi chef are gonna connect on a spiritual level.
*
Ah, frig, I did it again. Went too far. That Hibachi chef is legit disgusted, Timmy said. You guys connected at first but then Tito pulled out the Hellraiser cube. Just took this guy to the next dimension, where pain becomes pleasure.
Oh come on, Tito said. How could he be disgusted? He’s probably seen people shit themselves at the grill. It’s all you can eat, if you don’t sweat like this then you got swindled. Bro, Tito’s got sweat sideburns. A sweat Fu Manchu down to the bellybutton. It’s not that bad. It’s my birthday, remember? Yeah, boys. Let your father have some fun, he does a lot for you boys.
He does, Stevie said. Thank you Tito, love you man.
I love you too, son. Thanks for coming, always better when you’re here. You two, I’m glad you here too. And Mel is the best, we’re gonna do something twice as good for your birthday next month, baby.
We getting fortune cookies? We should, right? Yeah, let’s do it. Stevie waved over a waitress. Could we get some mochi in a couple different flavors and fortune cookies please? I love mochi, great idea honey.
This kid’s ordering has come a long way, Tito said. He’s really taking charge, I love to see it. I’m paying tonight, Stevie said. It’s my treat. Not if the check comes to me, no way, Tito said. That’s sweet of you, Stevie, Mel said.
They brought over the mochi and the fortune cookies, placing the mochi in the center of the table and the fortune cookies in front of each person. Boy, about to be a referendum on our life, huh. You know I got one once that said seek professional help? Couldn’t believe it.
Did you? I did, I really did. No, did you seek professional help? Hell no. I’m not gonna let a fortune cookie tell me what to do. Some guy in China trying to infiltrate my mind. Has anyone’s fortune cookie lucky numbers ever won the lottery? Exactly.
Tito, you go first. It’s your birthday. Alright, alright, here we go. He ripped the wrapper off and exploded the cookie into a dozen pieces. Damn, pops. Just crushed that thing’s skull, fucking fatality. Let’s see here, Tito said. He unraveled the tiny scroll of paper.
Your stupid team will suck forever.
Look, look. That’s what it says, holy Christ. No, no, no. That can’t be. Let me see that. It is, it says that, holy shit. Tito looked around the room, swiveling his head to each side. That’s crazy, Stevie said, and then he started laughing. What are the friggin chances? That’s insane. Stevie kept laughing and Tito grabbed his shoulder.
You son of a gun, this was you, wasn’t it? The kid called over the waitress like he’s friggin Russell Buffalino, he had this in mind the whole time. You are something else. Am I on film now? Maybe. Depends on if they let me use that security camera right there. That’s why he wanted to sit here, Mel said. Yeah, Stevie said. Mostly. I like the corner, too. Hey, happy birthday, Tito. Thanks for being a good sport.
Thanks kid. You never stop, do ya? I try not to. Actually, if you don’t mind, I don’t want to make it all about me, but I wanted to announce something tonight. I just found out today. Yes, yes, go ahead, please. No matter what, I’m proud of you.
I just found out I got nominated for the Kids Choice Awards. Holy SHIT! Best Youtuber? Not exactly, Timmy. I’ll be honest, it’s not the best category, but it’s still an honor. What, what, what is it? Best Celebrity Lookalike. Whose your lookalike? Stevie paused, looked down at the table, and then looked at all of them.
Ellen Degeneres.