BIDEN’S ON HIS WAY
October 25, 2021
You gotta be kidding me. Stevie, you’re going to the friggin White House? The White House? I’m gonna cry, Mel said. We are so, so proud of you.
No, no. I’m not going to the White House. I’m working with the White House on something. They rented out a conference room at the Doubletree in Fort Lee.
Christ, Fort Lee? They couldn’t even get you into Manhattan? Cheap bastards. Honey. Hey, nothing against Fort Lee, I love the place. Remember we all went down there last winter? We gotta do that again soon. I ate four pounds of pork belly at that all-you-can-eat joint, had the time of my life. I remember asking the waitress, hey, they getting nervous back there?
That was crazy. I’ve never seen anyone sweat like that before, Mel said. He sweats like that all the time, mom.
So Stevie, tell me. Who’s gonna be down there? Anybody we’d know? I’m not sure. It just said the White House. I don’t think it would be Biden or anything. Yeah, course not. How exciting, though. Can’t wait to hear how it goes.
*
Okay everyone, thanks so much for coming. We’re gonna get started in a few minutes. Don’t mind Samantha, she’s just taking a few photos of everyone. You all look great. There’s some snacks against the wall over there, water, juice, help yourselves.
Yo, you get this shit from the gas station or what? This bearclaw’s crusty as hell, bro. About to give someone INSTANT diabetes. OK, well there’s fresh fruit as well, I’m sure everyone can find something they like.
Thank you so much. This fruit is nutritious AND delicious! See, there we go. I’m glad Johnathan is here, so polite. I’m glad I’m here too!
OK, we’ll just give it one more minute so everyone can get situated, we want to hit the ground running here.
Stevie grabbed a water and took the last remaining seat in the back row, exchanging nods with the people next to him. He vaguely recognized a few faces, but only knew one person’s name. Noah Spice was in the last seat of the last row, the hood of his sweatshirt up and the strings pulled tight, his face a waxing crescent buried in the fabric.
Okay great, so let’s get started. First, I want to thank you all for coming, we certainly appreciate it. I’ll just give you a little bit of background about myself. My name is Jessica Waterston, I am the youth outreach coordinator for the Biden administration. I started about three weeks ago, and it’s been great so far, you know, seeing the White House, being on the grounds, knowing I’m part of this greater thing and movement. Very inspiring. Before I started here, I got my BA from Yale in History, and I got my masters in Public Policy from the Harvard Kennedy School. Wowwww, Johnathan said.
Now, here’s why I’ve gathered you here today. I’m sure some of you are aware, but generally speaking, older folks tend to vote more than younger folks. As the youth outreach coordinator, it’s my job to make sure that we kind of close that gap, to the extent that we can. But I said to President Biden, I said, why stop at eighteen? The voters of 2024 are fifteen, sixteen years old right now. Let’s start a dialogue with them, start planting the seeds of tomorrow. And then I thought, who better to do that with than TeenMagazine.com’s Forbes Top 16 Boys Under 16?
That’s right. That’s you, sitting in the seats right here. I’m sure you knew you were on it, individually, but this is everybody. Look around the room. This is your cohort. You are the leaders of tomorrow. And what we really want to know today is, what kind of change do the young leaders of tomorrow want to see in the world? We got a lot of great stuff planned for today but first, let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves. We’ll start up front, come on up here.
Hi everyone, my name is Johnathan Gant, I’m fourteen years old and I’m the CEO of SmartBow. He pointed to his collar. This may look like a regular old bowtie, but this bowtie is actually a smart bowtie. It has GPS tracking and can detect heart rate, weather conditions, and moisture levels. It’s connected to a smartphone app, so if any of your biometrics go over a set threshold for an extended period of time, it can send a push notifications to the phones it’s linked with. We have raised six hundred thousand dollars in startup capital and we are just so excited to keep a new generation of junior business leaders safe.
Wow, Johnathan! That is is certainly impressive. So that’s a SmartBow right there? It is. Available in many styles, this pattern is just my favorite. Stevie whispered to his seat mate, yo. Kid is wearing a plaid bowtie with a polo shirt, are you kidding me? Chill bro, that’s my cousin. Oh shit, sorry bro. Nah, I’m kidding. That’s a tough look. But he’s so innocent, I feel bad making fun of him. I know. Okay, next up please?
They cycled through the next four rows. Some of them wanted to impress and gave long, detailed biographies. Others gave their name, why they were famous, and nothing else. Noah Spice said, I’m Noah Spice, and walked back to his seat. Stevie went up and said, hey everybody, I’m Stevie T, fifteen years old. About to be sixteen, don’t tell Teenmagazine.com. I like filming videos with my family and friends. Happy to be here, thanks for having me. The next person, Johnathan’s fake cousin, fist bumped Stevie as they passed each other.
Yo, what’s up everybody, I’m Pizza Sauce. I stream on Twitch, nothing too crazy really. Just try to make people laugh, help people out too. Half of all stream donations go to a different charity, try to pick a new one each week. Good at Goldeneye, like real old games like that. I’m trash at Call of Duty but I play that too. I’m not that good at gaming honestly, I don’t even know why I’m famous, but anyway. Thanks for having me.
Thank you, Pizza Sauce. Alright, I think that’s everybody. So next, Samantha and I will work with you on a reel, we’ll go one by one. For the reel, you’ll be talking about one policy or policy goal that means a lot to you. Could be anything really, whatever you feel passionate about. We’ll be posting the best ones to the official White House accounts. Very exciting! Once that’s done, we’ll play a little game with each other, have a quick group photoshoot, and we should be good to go after that. Who wants to go first?
Me, me, me!
That SmartBow is gonna start spinning bro, Pizza Sauce said. Can that shit really detect your heart rate? How tight does he have that bowtie? Dude, so tight. Meant to simulate the feeling of your hedge fund father, wringing your neck over the quarterly earnings. Dark, Pizza Sauce said. Hold up, let’s go front row, I wanna hear what he’s going to say.
OK, we’re ready to go. Now Johnathan, Samantha said, take a seat right there, and look at that camera, okay? Now, imagine this. Twenty one years from now, you are now the president, the youngest president ever elected, just thirty five years old. What’s the very first thing President Gant does? I want you to just briefly introduce yourself, and then answer that question for me. We’ll have your name, handle, and the question on the screen, so you don’t need to explain too much. Alright? Yes, yes. Okay, here we go, you’re gonna do great. Three, two, one.
Hello everyone, my name is Johnathan Gant, I am the CEO and founder of SmartBow. He pointed to his bowtie and smiled. Now, if I were president, well, there’s so very many things I would like to accomplish. But the first thing I would do is abolish the estate tax. Oh, um, okay, wow. Interesting answer, interesting. Anything else? Not off the top of my head, no. Well, okay, thank you Johnathan. You’re very welcome!
Okay, next? Oh great, looks like Stevie T is ready to go. Came up and sat in the front to make sure, I like that. Stevie, come on in here.
John’s right, bro, Pizza Sauce whispered to him. Abolish that estate tax. Stevie laughed and walked into the booth they had set up, taking a seat in front of the presidential seal. The lights were set up just the way he liked, from the front and not the back.
Okay Stevie, I’m sure you heard most of what I said to Johnathan, right? Yes. Just give a brief introduction, and then I want you to tell me, if you had a magic wand, what kind of thing would you like to see happen for this country? Okay, cool. I’m ready. Great, here we go. Three, two, one.
What’s up everybody, this is Stevie T, hanging with some of my good friends in Fort Lee, New Jersey. If I had a magic wand, and I could change this country, I would make healthcare free for everybody, and we could keep everyone healthy and happy. That’s what I want.
Umm, okay, okay, Jessica said. She looked at the social media coordinator and stepped closer to Stevie. We can work with this, but we’re just going to have to do that one more time. Let’s not say free healthcare, because that’s not realistic. It would have to be funded through taxes, and the conservatives will hammer us if we say something should be free. It’s sad but it’s true.
I thought I had a magic wand?
I know, I’m sorry. Let’s forget the magic wand, and just try to sound a little more realistic. Let’s go with president instead of magic wand, I think Samantha was right, let’s stick with that. Can you try again one more time, please? Sure, sure. Three, two, one.
What up everybody, this is Stevie T, chillin with my good friends in New Jersey. If I was president, I would make it so healthcare would be affordable for all people, and no one would have to go bankrupt over medical bills. That’s my hope for the future.
Okay, okay. A little better, but let’s just try that one more time. What, why? I think this is important, we aren’t going to use all of these and this is an important issue. I’d really like to nail this one. Okay, but what should I do differently? That was really tame.
The bankruptcy part, we just can’t go there. It’s wrong, Stevie said. Isn’t it? It’s so wrong, of course it is. But I think we should focus on the affordability piece and leave bankruptcy out of it. Alright. I guess. We can do it again. Great, thank you Stevie, we really appreciate it. Go ahead Samantha. Okay, here we go, three two one.
What up, this is Stevie T, and if I was president, I would make healthcare affordable for everyone. Peace.
Alright, well. You’re gonna hate me, but let’s try that one last time. Oh my god, dude. What? I know, I know. But your tone was just so, low-energy. So lacking in passion. I’m sorry, I just need more than that. And let’s not say everyone, we really have to be careful here. Let’s go more towards, as many people as we can. Everyone is just a really high bar.
Yeah, but I’m president. I need a strong position if I’m going to negotiate, otherwise I’ll get rolled over. Yeah, Stevie, you’re right. Let’s say you are in Congress then. Just a Congressman, trying to help a law get elected. I’m sorry, I should’ve never said magic wand, or president. Congress is better. I was thrown by the first answer. Still working out the kinks. Let’s really try to sound enthusiastic here Stevie. She leaned in towards him. I’ll make sure we post it, okay? Okay. Three two one.
What’s UP everybody, this is Stevie T! I’m hanging out with my good friends here in Fort Lee, New Jersey, right on the scenic Hudson River. Now if EYE was in Congress, my goal would be to make sure folks alllllll across this great country of ours have access to relatively affordable insurance on the EXCHANGES! That way, people can spend five HUNDRED dollars a month for the privilege of paying TEN GRAND in deductibles. That’s AWESOME! Stevie T OUT!
Okay, we’re finished, Jessica said. Thank you Stevie. She fake smiled at him, and Stevie sheepishly walked out.
Pizza Sauce was next, and he fist bumped Stevie again and sauntered into the booth. Ready? I am, yes. You know what we’re doing right? You heard all that? Yes, loud and clear. Okay, here we go. Three, two, one.
Yooooo, this is Pizza Sauce. If I was in Congress, I would have three words for everybody. Build. Back. Better. He threw up two peace signs.
Okay, great, thank you so much. You’re welcome. Pizza Sauce sat back down next to Stevie. Goddamnit, Stevie said. I shoulda gone last. Played myself.
You did alright, bro. I mean, I loved it at least. Hey, maybe it’s better they won’t use yours. I might be in that reel looking dumb as fuck. You looked cool, man, Stevie said. Did better than me, for real.
Thanks, Pizza Sauce said. I guess we’ll see.
*
What’s UP everybody, this is Stevie T! I’m hanging out with my good friends here in Fort Lee, New Jersey, right on the scenic Hudson River. Now if EYE was in Congress, my goal would be to make sure folks alllllll across this great country of ours have access to relatively affordable insurance on the EXCHANGES! The video jumped to the next person.
Bro, what? They cut my punchline out. Bro, that’s crazy. They ruined it, they absolutely ruined it. I can’t believe this, they fucked me over. FUCK.
Damnnnnn kid. Looking like a Democratic SIMP out here. On the exchanges? Good lord, kid.
Dude, it was a setup, I swear to god. I ripped them apart at the end, you saw how fast it cut. I don’t wanna be political like that, like to that degree. Fucking simping like that. They fucked me over so bad. Goddamnit. I fuckin effed it bro. I really did. Played right into their shitty little trap. Shoulda been way more lowkey. Fuck.
You shouldn’t have gone, kid. Shoulda stiffed Biden on the declaration of love.
Bro, I couldn’t turn down the White House, it’s like when a team wins the Super Bowl. You gotta go if you get invited.
Noah Spice MVP quarterback kid. Trying to snort the lines off the football, thinking it’s powder DXM. Kid is savage. Let’s see his part, Timmy said. I’m sure he dudded, Stevie said. Kid has the personality of a blank tombstone. He scrubbed to Noah’s part.
What’s your name? What? Your name? Noah. Noah what? Noah Spice. Noah, if you were in Congress, what would you like to see happen? I don’t know. Can’t think of anything? No. A renewed focus on mental health? I guess. It cut to the next person.
That’s it? Noah Spice, kid. Absolute fuckin LEGEND. The hoodie pulled tight in front of the presidential logo? Iconic. Fucking sick. I’m a Spice addict. That’s what they call the Noah Spicers right? True Spice addict. I’m ready to pledge my allegiance to the god emperor Noah Spice. Noah, when you’re so gone off the Adderall your lips look like worms on the summer solstice, I truly feel the presence of God. Impregnate me, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
I can’t believe I let myself get fucked over like that, Stevie said. I gotta figure this shit out.
It’s too late kid. Just gotta wait till 2024 and then switch shit up. Chet’s right, bro, Timmy said. You’re too deep in now. Gotta ride out this cycle and then switch stance.
2024, he’ll be gone with the wind, kid. Talking about the minimum wage salty as a sardine. Veins looking like snakes in his forehead. These PEOPLE don’t wanna WORK. I’m doing eighty hours a week at the Smartbow factory, can’t get anyone to WORK! These godless communists are SICK!
Bro, ew, Stevie said. Never that. They already tried. Deep Faith Network? Family Freedom Network. It was a front bro, I could smell it. At least I didn’t get played that time.
They looked down at the phone, where the video had looped while they talked. It reached its end for the third time, cutting to a wide shot where everybody posed together. They all wore aviators and had their own vanilla ice cream cone. BUILD! BACK! BETTER!
Don’t say a fucking word, Stevie said.