FEW GUYS ARE REALLY FLASHING AT OTA’S, I’LL TELL YA. THIS KID OWENS WENT TO A GARDENING SCHOOL, HOW THE HELL THAT HAPPENED I’LL NEVER KNOW, THE RAS IS OFF THE CHARTS. REAL DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH
JUNE 12, 2021
You been opping bro? Nah, not much this time of year, just a little. Few guys are flashing at OTAs, I’ll tell ya. Some of these undrafted guys are hidden gems, that type of shit. I won’t start going hard again until training camp starts. There’s a lifecycle to it, there’s like seasons to it.
You’re like Attenborough, bro. The Attenborough of fucking with your dad’s head. Timmy laughed. I love this shit bro, I honestly do. I could talk about it for hours.
Dude, break it down, I wanna hear it. I wanna hear the whole cycle. I’m serious. Alright, alright. Just tell me if it starts getting boring. It won’t, Stevie said. I already know. I’m never gonna look at a calendar the same way.
So it goes like this. I’d say the first season is March and April. They got free agency and the draft. It can be tough to navigate sometimes, he’s still a little disgruntled from the season but he’s mostly over it. Hard to know where his head is at exactly, I kinda let him lead the way. If he loves it, I’m building him up, making it seem like they crushed it. If he hates it, I’m more cautious. I might agree but not all the way. Say shit like, hey, gotta wait till they play the games. Leave it to the professionals. Show a few highlight tapes, hey the kid looks pretty good here. That fuckhead from ESPN gave the pick an F minus but he’s a jackass anyway. I don’t wanna come off like a shill, so I’m not laying it on too thick, just gotta keep it so he’s still hopeful for training camp.
That’s the next season, training camp. It’s like late July, August. He’s hyped, no matter what. Even if he didn’t like the draft, he’s talked himself into it by then and he’s all in. His hopes are just sky high, Chet with a fresh pen high, he’ll say all types of shit. Saying the Giants free safety will win Defensive Player of the Year. He’ll be looking at FanDuel like, plus 9600? That’s interesting, that’s interesting. I mean, it’s wide open at that point. It’s like when people buy a lottery ticket, and they imagine all the shit they would do. The LA beachhouse, the sportscar, everything. You could say, Super Bowl? He’d say, they got a shot, I’m telling ya. They got a lot more talent than people think they do. Some of the reports outta camp, these beats are going nuts. Eyes popping out of their head, some of these plays we’re running. Some cutting edge shit, finally.
I’m egging him on, writing fake camp reports to juice him up, shit like that. Buddy was up at camp, said Andrew Thomas knocked every single edge rusher on their ass. Always say it was my buddy, that’s important. Give him some fake credentials, make it seem like he’d know what he’s talking about. My buddy played in college, D1, he’s got a real feel for it, said Thomas’s footwork has really come a long way. Top tier athlete, heavy hands, a stud. A real franchise cornerstone. Then of course you gotta post good shit about the edge rushers too. It takes some juggling but it’s positive as can be, all good.
Then the next season is the actual games. Season starts and they shit the bed, of course. Just immediately look like dogshit, any objective third party is like, these guys suck. But not me, not on Dad’s forum. You gotta keep building it up for the first month of the season, keep it positive. Find some retarded stats that show they’re better than their record. Oh, Daniel Jones is the most accurate quarterback on the league on intermediate third downs, defined as between three and six yards. Bullshit like that. Tito’s like, see? I friggin knew it, the pieces are there. The pieces ARE THERE.
Week five, six, it gets harder, he starts to get a little down. Can’t really use positive stats as much, gotta emphasize bad luck, regression to the mean. Tito’s like, yeah, it’s friggin tough, ball’s been bouncing the wrong way. But DJ’s been the best at those quick hit throws, Saquon’s the best back in the league. They’re gonna turn it around, no question. He’s saying that shit at dinner, I’m just dying bro.
The crucial part is around week nine and ten, right around then it’s usually just too obvious that they suck. Lose by like twenty to a good team, or lose a close one to a bad team in a really stupid way. Kingsley Charles humps a football on the sideline, the ref gives the Giants a fifteen yard penalty, game winning field goal for the other team. That type of shit. I’m not even sure if that’s possible, but that’s the general idea.
Then I start my whisper campaign. Just touches here and there, show the chinks in the armor in subtle ways. I’m trawling for stats too, but in the opposite direction, finding what they’re the worst at. Tito says that shit at dinner, his huge head is just hanging down over the plate. Like jeez, you know the Giants have the fourth worst third down conversion rate in history? Mom’s like, honey, you’re losing your mind, that just sounds like gibberish. I egg him on, I go, I thought DJ was the best at third down throws? He goes, yeah, cause he never throws it to the fucking sticks, he’s throwing 3 yard hooks on third and eight. Goddamnit. Mel says, Tito, it’s okay baby. He goes, Mel, it’s just unreal. These guys are telling me, we kicked the second most cowardly punt of all time. MY FUCKING GIANTS, going out sad like that. He’s throwing that napkin into his lap, just disgusted.
Mom’s like, you really take it too seriously, honey. It’s been years now, you’re just stressing yourself out. But Mel, I’m telling ya, it’s not that they’re losing, it’s HOW they’re losing. These guys can’t stop jackshit, they got no heart, no balls. Last week was a fuckin JOKE. That’s the most a fullback has run for since Mike Alstott. Remember him? Guy was a monster. But this kid on the Raiders isn’t Mike Alstott, he’s some nobody off the practice team. Guy sent our goddamn nose tackle flying like a friggin towel boy. It’s not always my shit he parrots back, but sometimes it is. It’s a struggle keeping it together.
I’m not getting boring, am I? No, this is great. I mean, I feel for Tito getting opped like that, but it is funny. Keep going.
Yeah, so that’s the end of the third season, the death of the dream. The Giants are eliminated, the lottery ticket is officially worthless. Tito is reeling, trying to put the pieces together. Just scowling at that computer, Mom thinks he’s worried about work stuff, nope. Not even close. He forgot about that place as soon as he left. He’s on the forum, digging a hole to hell. December January February, I’m in there just hammering him bro. All the hopes he had just reflected back on him in the worst way. I know all the narratives, all the players and front office people, the medical staff. They’re all a part of it, they’re all playing a part. The shit I’m hearing is scary, it’s dark. It’s not incompetence, it’s something worse. Hard to wrap your mind around, it’s deeper than football. Rotten to the core. Sometimes I’ll go too Dudley, but even then, it’s still working. The damage is still inflicted. I’m flooding the zone with shit. And the best part is, when the season ends and a new year starts, hope is restored. It’s a new day, and he thinks anything is possible. He’ll be looking at the same dumbass FanDuel bets, scratching his chin.
Damn, bro. You should run a presidential campaign, this is some scheming shit. Deep State Timmy. I don’t know about that, Timmy said. I don’t want to anything to actually happen, I just like playing god on a boomer message board. That’s pretty much politics, I think, Stevie said. Just scaled up.
You really think so?
Honestly, I have no idea.